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IN FOOTBALL, WINNING SILVERWARE CAN STILL BE “NOT DOING THE JOB TO THE REQUIRED STANDARD”

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By CHRISTOPHER DAVIES

SO HOW DOES a football club sack a manager? Any way they wish – if an employer wants to dismiss someone, there is no specific process they must go through by law, though there are restrictions covering the reasons, even if the public do not always hear them.

The tin-tack is rarely a surprise in football and at some clubs even success is no guarantee of job continuity. It would be hard for a multi-national company to sack a chief executive if record profits or sales had been posted and no explanation given for his departure, yet in the beautiful game silverware does not mean safety. Winning the Barclays Premier League, a domestic cup or even the Champions League can still be deemed “not doing their job to the required standard.” The manager leaves with the usual platitudes and thanks “for all he’s done and we wish him well for the future.”

The reasons for replacing a manager are not always explained to supporters, despite fans being cited as “so important” by clubs. Transparency is something football preaches, but too often does not practise. Fans can be kept in the dark over a sacking with the press left to speak to the people who know the people involved in an attempt to put together a jig-saw of events. The departing manager is usually tied by a confidentiality agreement which means any loose talk could see his compensation significantly reduced. Explain why you were sacked and it’ll cost you.

Spurs fans still don’t really know why Harry Redknapp was shown the door at White Hart Lane last June, while Danny Wilson (Sheffield United) and Micky Mellon (Fleetwood Town) are more recent examples of managers being sacked without explanation by clubs doing well at the time.

Some managers leave by mutual consent, though it is difficult to imagine a scenario whereby both parties sit down at a meeting and, would you believe, at the same time come up with the idea that it is best for everyone to move on. This is apparently what happened with Stoke City and Tony Pulis, Kilmarnock and Kenny Shiels, Alex McLeish after 41 days at Nottingham Forest, Ipswich Town and Paul Jewell and Real Madrid and Jose Mourinho.

We await any insight to Gustavo Poyet’s initial suspension and subsequent sacking by Brighton & Hove Albion. There have been no details made public why a manager who has done a first-class job at the club has been dismissed and replaced by Oscar Garcia, though legal issues are clouding the Uruguayan’s situation.

There are different types of dismissal: fair dismissal, unfair dismissal, constructive dismissal and wrongful dismissal. A dismissal is fair or unfair depending on the employer’s reason for it. Constructive dismissal can be when an employee resigns because his company have breached their employment contract.

Newcastle United’s appointment of Joe Kinnear as director of football had many football writers believing it could spell the end of Alan Pardew’s reign as manager because of similar problems during Kevin Keegan’s second spell in charge. When Dennis Wise was brought in as director of football it was the springboard for Keegan to quit St James’ Park. A Premier League Managers’ Arbitration Tribunal ruled that Keegan was entitled to resign and claim constructive dismissal, awarding him £2 million plus indemnity costs in his claim against NUFC after a row over the purchase of players by the club.

Keegan contended that when he was appointed manager it was a term of his contract that he would have “the final say” on transfers of players into the club. He claimed that the club breached that term by signing Ignacio Gonzalez,  a Uruguayan, against his wishes and this was a repudiation of his contract, entitling him to resign. Wise had telephoned Keegan to say he had found a good young player who the club should consider signing. He invited Keegan to view the player on YouTube. Keegan was not impressed and said Gonzalez was not good enough and he was not interested in signing him. Nevertheless, the club went ahead with the deal.

An employee can be dismissed if they are incapable of doing their job to the required standard or they have committed some form of misconduct. The former is subjective and while Poyet said he plans to appeal his sacking as he is entitled to, this is believed to be more of a legal process than believing he has a realistic chance of managing the Seagulls again, though Garcia’s position is chief coach rather than manager. On Planet Football, where compensation packages cushion the disappointment of the boot, the sack is invariably final though in law managers do have the right to appeal.

The Employment Act 2002 carries three obligations for employers when dismissing staff:

  1. If someone is disciplined or dismissed, they must be given a statement of the reasons; this statement must contain an invitation to a meeting with senior staff
  2. There must be a meeting between the employee and senior staff about the action taken
  3. The worker must be given the chance to appeal.

The League Managers Association have developed a model contract of employment for managers which includes a clause about a director of football. Important issues which frequently form the basis of disputes between managers and clubs and which should be addressed in the manager’s contract include:

o    the terms upon which a contract may be terminated early

o    the level of control which a manager will be able to exert over team matters such as team selection, player acquisition and player disposal – or whether the manager is operating under and answerable to a European-style director of football

o    the performance targets of the manager – such as promotion, European qualification or avoiding relegation

o    regular appraisals at which performance targets may be re-visited in light of changing circumstances both on and off the field

o    contingency plans in the event that the club is relegated

o    the circumstances in which the club must inform the manager of an approach by another club for the manager’s services

o    whether the manager can carry out any additional media roles to fit around his managerial duties.

Yet whatever is written in the contract, the reasons for a manager’s sacking will often remain secret because the owners of English football clubs do not feel they have to give explanations for their actions.

FWA Q&A: THE SECRET FOOTBALL WRITER

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THE SECRET FOOTBALL WRITER on ZZ tops…an offal meal in Bordeaux…and expensive Russian wives

Have you ever worked in a profession other than football?
Stacking shelves at Sainsbury’s helped to pay my way through school and university – a remarkably unremarkable job only made bearable by the freely available freshly squeezed orange juice in the chillers out the back which got many of us through the 7am Saturday/Sunday starts. Ownership of the reduction labels for soon to be out of date produce also provided family and friends with some amazing bargains.

Most memorable match?
The European Cup Final in 1999 was an unbelievable ending to what was an unbelievable season. Time will tell if the feat Manchester United achieved that year will be equalled, but the preceding months built up to the ultimate occasion. What the 90 minutes lacked in excitement it made up for in extra-time and particularly added time, providing some of the most memorable images and commentary of all time. There have been comebacks and last minute excitement since, but this was the original and still remains the best.

The one moment in football you would put on a DVD?
An unusual one perhaps given the virtually infinite choices, but Zinedine Zidane’s volley in the 2002 European Cup Final against Leverkusen was sensational.  Given the nature of the game – club football’s most important – to execute such a sublime piece of skill on such on occasion is truly memorable.  The  ball was dropping from the skies, he was outside the area, had to adjust his position, but the grace of his movement and the sweetness of the strike saw the ball arc into the top corner past a bewildered Hans-Jorg Butt.  A goal that befitted the occasion and one I could happily watch on repeat all evening.

Best stadium?
While not as modern as some of the outstanding newer grounds, Bayern’s Allianz Arena and the surprisingly excellent Bucharest National Arena in particular, but Barcelona’s Camp Nou has a magical feel to the place, the size, scale and history, the open bowl effect and is still my favourite stadium in the world even if in the press box you can shake hands with the man in the moon.

…and the worst?
There have been many over the years.  Kenilworth Road, Fratton Park, Ninian Park spring to mind in the UK and further afield Porto’s decrepit Estadio do Dragao was as bad as their new one is good.  My vote for the worst goes to Chesterfield’s old Saltergate stadium, an ageing stadium lacking in the most basic modern facilities. Fortunately it has since been replaced, as have a good number of the worst grounds in the country…whether that is entirely a good thing is another matter, with character-filled old grounds being replaced with identikit stadia rather than upgraded to maintain their historic feel.

Your personal new-tech disaster?
I pride myself as being on the leading edge of technology, always acquiring the latest and greatest gadgets.  Fortunately I have never had a copy-related disaster, but I did manage to erase all of my painstakingly assembled electronic address book when I was a little gung-ho with my approach.  The lesson learned after the event was to take a copy of important things on a regular basis.

Biggest mistake?
Deciding to go for a stroll in Vienna during the afternoon of a Partizan Belgrade vs Rapid Vienna UEFA Cup tie.  The 1,000 or so Belgrade fans on the trip appeared to have made spending time in prison and enjoying fighting pre-requisites to attendance and I found myself in the middle of a pitched battle between them and several hundred riot police.  Fortunately I managed to avoid the many missiles being hurled, windows being smashed and the subsequent police charges and beat a hasty retreat to my hotel.

Have you ever been mistaken for anyone else?
Sadly not, although I am convinced I keep seeing Brad Pitt in the mirror…[That would be the Daily Mirror – Ed].

Most media friendly manager?
Arsene Wenger has consistently been graceful and open with the press and while he may not be as box office as a Mourinho or a Ferguson, his dealings with the media are a different class.

Best ever player?
The impossible question when trying to consider players over the generations.  We are fortunate to have two of the best players of all time playing at their peaks right now in Messi and Ronaldo, but for a combination of ability and success, albeit combined with less attractive traits, Diego Maradona gets my vote.  A player who almost single handedly won a World Cup for his country, he played at the highest club and international level seeing success of varying degrees wherever he went.  There is plenty to dislike about Maradona off the pitch, and some on it (especially in 1986) but with the ball at his feet he was a genius who rarely failed to entertain.

Best ever teams (club and international)?
There are the same challenges trying to compare teams across eras as there is players.  The current Spanish side took football to places it hadn’t been before, with possession and guile; however for sheer expression of football as an art, the Brazil side of 1970 are my favourite international side of all time.  They created so many moments of breathtaking skill, footballing history and set a benchmark that will perhaps never be beaten given the changing nature of the game.  The Carlos Alberto goal, and the Pele dummy (almost made better by the fact he didn’t score) are still footballing moments talked about over 40 years on and as ruthlessly efficient with possession the current Spanish side are, I prefer the openness and innocence of the 1970 Brazlians.

There are many club candidates over the years, Real Madrid in the 50/60’s, the pioneering Celtic and Manchester United sides of the 60’s, Liverpool’s dominance in the 80’s, the Italian sides in the 90’s before the explosion into the Champions League.  For all the strengths of these sides, my favourite of all is the 1970’s Ajax team.  They took the lead from Brazil but their Total Football with Johan Cryuff, Johan Neeskens, Gerrie Muhren and Johnny Rep among others took club football to a new level of dominance both at home and in Europe and their hat-trick of European Cups were emphatic.  As with the Brazlians, modern football isn’t and probably can’t be played in the same way but this side left their mark on history.

Best pre-match grub?
There is something old school about picking up pie & mash on the way to the Boleyn Ground.

Best meal had on your travels?
Lunch at the Burj Al Arab in Dubai – the hotel is a shrine to opulence – overlooking the Palm takes some beating.  As will the eye-watering cost of the meal, which as a result was washed down by a bottle of Libya’s finest rose.  At £50 a bottle it wasn’t cheap, nor would it qualify for any fine wine awards, but it was by far and away the cheapest bottle in the 200-page wine list and provided for a somewhat ridiculous dichotomy of fine food and terrible wine.

…and the worst?
I like to sample the local food wherever we find ourselves and this tactic has brought both great success and horrific failure.  My worst meal is a surprising one given the location – Bordeaux.  We found what we thought was a nice rustic local French bistro, and were enjoying some not unpleasant vin de table while we surveyed the entirely French menu.  We had enough French between us to translate the gist of what was being ordered and asked for a number of specials to be shared around.  What arrived was both unexpected, and for me at least, horrendous.  Fish soup with what looked like very rotten fish-heads, but the piece de resistance was a huge salad platter, covered with uncooked slices of assorted offal, tripe, kidney, liver, and other entrails we couldn’t recognise.  After eating several baskets of bread, and finishing the carafes of wine, we paid the bill and left rather sheepishly…and hungry!

Best hotel stayed in?
The wonderfully named Hotel F**k in Leverkusen.  It was not 5-star accommodation, nor was it especially convenient for a very busy Leverkusen in Champions League week, but as a conversation piece it was fabulous.  The owner was a hugely friendly German man who spoke better English than any native, and loved the obvious humour associated with the name of his hotel.  He happily handed out Hotel F**k branded pens, notepads and postcards and encouraged us to recommend him to everyone we knew.  Which we duly did.

…and the worst?
A combination of the Champions League and the Oktoberfest is a match made in heaven for many fans, but it is not for those wanting to secure reasonable hotel accommodation.  With just three weeks between the draw and Matchday 1, it was a case of the sports desk/travel agent securing whichever hotel was available and in my case it turned out to be a run down glorified guest house not far from the train station, with shared bathroom facilities that made the toilet in Trainspotting look clean.  Suffice to say I resorted to using the facilities in a colleague’s hotel on the second morning.

The Hotel Rus in Kiev also deserves a mention for the dedicated Russian Wives department in the basement, and its policy of encouraging ladies of the night to frequent the hotel bar looking to relieve you of several hundred dollars for an evening’s entertainment.  I appreciate this may not been seen as a negative by all parties.

Do you have a hobby?
I try to spoil a good walk whenever I get the chance and have been fortunate enough to play a number of England’s premier golf courses.  Generally quite badly.

Favourite football writer?
I always enjoy reading Paul Hayward, insightful and thoughtful journalism.

Favourite radio/TV commentator?
Jonathan Pearce’s infectious and obvious enthusiasm adds to his deep understanding of the game.  Gary Neville has set new standards with first class analysis and balanced comment based on 15 years playing at the very top level.  Monday Night Football has become a must-watch.

If you could introduce one change to improve PR between football clubs and football writers what would it be?
There’s no magic answer, but breaking the cloak of mistrust would lay the groundwork for everything – football writers are not looking to stitch up players and managers, quite the opposite more often than not.  Providing better access would enable the fans and public to feel closer to the people they currently perceive to be off-limits.

One sporting event outside football you would love to experience?
I would love to attend Augusta and the Masters, not purely for the golf but also for the history and intrigue that surrounds the venue.

Favourite non-football sportsman/sports woman?
I have always admired Roger Federer – a player who dominated his sport for a sustained period, and did so with grace both on and off the court.  For such a high profile sports superstar, he is never in the news for the wrong reasons, has a settled family life and has been humble in both victory and defeat.  His star has been waning in recent years with the emergence of Djokovic and Nadal but he led his field for many years and will rightly be regarded as one of if not the greatest player in history despite his early Wimbledon exit this year.

Last book read?
A Life Too Short which was an incredibly powerful and eye-opening account of depression.

Favourite current TV programme?
I enjoyed The Fall with Gillian Anderson recently and am looking forward to the next season to see what happens.

TV show you always switch off?
I have never been much of a soaps fan, aside from a brief dalliance with Eastenders, and always turn off Corrie, Emmerdale and the like.

If you could bring one TV series back which would it be?
I can’t split Lost or the Sopranos and while both series ended brilliantly, I would love to see either of them reprised for different reasons.  The recent passing of James Gandolfini was very sad news indeed, Tony Soprano being one of the greatest TV characters ever created.

Favourite comedian?
I am a big fan of Ross Noble for his totally off the wall brand of humour, and Tim Minchin for his very incisive musical comedy.

Favourite singer/group?
I’m a guitar / indie rock man and have loved the recent comeback of the Stone Roses who have proved as good live as their albums were good on vinyl (which shows my age a little).

What really, really annoys you?
People who appear completely surprised to be asked for money to pay for something when they have just stood in a queue to buy said item.  You’ve just stood and queued in Sainsbury’s for 10 minutes, you’ve watched someone scan your items and put them in a bag, they tell you how much it costs…why do they then have to spend two minutes hunting around in their bag or wallet to find a means to pay for everything?!

Your most prized football memorabilia?
I have a full collection of Manchester United’s 1968 European Cup-winning side along with an original programme and ticket.  As some of that side are no longer with us, it is a prized possession.

Advice to anyone coming into the football media world?
Work hard, build your network and treat everyone else as you’d wish to be treated yourself.  You might not always be treated how you’d like, but hard work and manners cost nothing and go a long way.

The Secret Football Writer is a well known football journalist who appears regularly on television and radio. On this occasion he preferred to keep his identity secret. He will return during the forthcoming season.

FWA Q&A: GRAHAM NICKLESS

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GRAHAM NICKLESS on why he likes Friday…not being hot stuff in Dijon…and getting shirty about numbers

Have you ever worked in a profession other than football?
My first full-time job after school was working in London as an insurance clerk.

Most memorable match?
Watching England beat West Germany 4-2 at Wembley to win the World Cup on my family’s black-and-white TV alongside my late dad, Fred, in 1966.

The one moment in football you would put on a DVD?
Reading’s Robin Friday plucked a pass out of the air with his back towards goal before he turned and smashed it into Tranmere’s net from 35 yards at Elm Park in 1976 – and the striker celebrated by kissing a policeman. Hollywood are making a film of Friday.

Best stadium?
White Hart Lane.

…and the worst?
Selhurst Park.

Your personal new-tech disaster?
Trying to report a match at Brighton’s Amex Stadium with no wifi connection for laptop and no signal for mobile phone in the press box.

Biggest mistake?
Reporting in the Daily Star that Britain’s F1 star Derek Warwick had finished 12th in the French Grand Prix at Dijon having missed the driver being stretchered away from his Renault car after a crash during the race.

Have you ever been mistaken for anyone else?
One-time Italian international Fabrizio Ravenelli, Hollywood actor George Clooney, former US President Bill Clinton and Father Christmas!

Most media friendly manager?
Yeovil’s Gary Johnson.

Best ever player?
Pele.

Best ever teams (club and international)?
Bill Nicholson’s “Glory, Gory” Spurs and Brazil’s 1970 World Cup winners.

Best pre-match grub?
Wife’s bacon sandwiches before leaving for work. (Why don’t you eat your own? – Ed?)

Best meal had on your travels.
An Italian in Dusseldorf with my old “Beastie Boy” mates Nigel Clarke and the late Brian Woolnough after England were eliminated from the 1988 European Championship.

…and the worst?
Eating stale sandwiches in the car on the way back from covering Reading games for the local Evening Post.

Best hotel stayed in?
Naples Beach Golf and Country Club, Florida.

…and the worst?
“Nico Towers” in Bournemouth run by “Sybil” Nickless.

Do you have a hobby?
Listening to techno and chill-out music and playing with my wonderful grandson Ethan.

Favourite football writer?
The late Peter Batt who was a real Fleet Street legend.

Favourite radio/TV commentator
The late Bill McLaren who was The Voice of Rugby for the BBC for 50 years.

If you could introduce one change to improve PR between football clubs and football writers what would it be?
Make all clubs have clearly visible numbers on the back of their shirts.

One sporting event outside football you would love to experience?
The US Masters.

Favourite non-football sportsman/sports woman?
Nigel Mansell.

Last book read?
Birdsong by Sebastian Faulks.

Favourite current TV programme?
Homeland.

TV show you always switch off?
Soaps.

If you could bring one TV series back which would it be?
Fawlty Towers.

Favourite comedian?
John Cleese.

Favourite singer/group?
Marvin Gaye/Underworld.

What really, really annoys you?
TV/radio and print media using the word “disappointed” in their questions.

Your most prized football memorabilia?
Booked signed by my hero Jimmy Greaves.

Advice to anyone coming into the football media world?
Be prepared to work unsociable hours, never reveal your sources, keep all your old contact numbers and don’t take yourself too seriously.

Graham worked as a staff writer for the Daily Star and Sunday Mirror for the best part of a decade. His weekly Football League gossip column “Nico’s News” appears in The Sun. This year Graham launched a new on-line football game called Goalden Goals alongside former Southampton and England striker and Sky Sports pundit Matthew Le Tissier.

YOHAN KEBAB? THERE ARE PLENTY OF TASTY NAMES THAT ARE FAR FROM LAMB-EASY TO PRONOUNCE

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By CHRISTOPHER DAVIES

WE HAVE all been there and done it, suffered a bout of foot in the mouth disease and mispronounced someone’s name incorrectly. Joe Kinnear does not have the monopoly on malapropisms, but he raised the bar to an ignominious art form during his talkSPORT interview with Andy Goldstein and Bobby Gould on Monday evening’s Sportsbar.

The Newcastle United director of football unwittingly renamed Yohan Cabaye “Yohan Kebab” while managing director Derek Llambias became former director of football Derek “Lambeezee.” There were many other name-changes and errors of facts in Kinnear’s astonishing 15-minute rant which included numerous barbs about the “snidey press.” One wonders what owner Mike Ashtray [sic] will make of it all.

Yet the fact is Brits and Irish always have difficulty with foreign names. True, there can be a fine dividing line between accuracy and being pretentious while a lot depends how a player is introduced when he comes to our shores. David Ginola’s first name has always been pronounced the French way – Jack Charlton excepted – and Sami Hyypia was always Hoopia.

Dimitar Berbatov should be BerBARtov – no more difficult that the incorrect BERbatov. The Arsenal midfielder is “Tomash Rositski” and Chelsea’s Eden Hazard is “Azar.” If Gonzalo Higuain signs for Arsenal, as has been reported, start practising “IG-WAY-EEN.” As in Cockney, the “h” is silent in Spanish.

Not a lot of people know Pat van den Hauwe should have been pronounced “Horver” (the mind boggles how he would have reacted) and though Schteve McClaren has had so much stick over the way he spoke he almost caught Dutch Elm Disease, he was coach of FC “Tventuh.” Sho there.

Germany coach Joachim Löw is known as Jogi and if your keyboard does not have umlauts it’s Loew. But his surname is not pronounced Low – it brings back memories of Ray Stubbs’ Barry White-esque tribute to Peter N’lerve on Fantasy Football – because the Germany coach is Lerve. Yogi Lerve.

There are some names that would give even the most eloquent director of football, broadcaster or commentator problems. Clive Tyldesley and company will be relieved they did not work in the United States a generation ago otherwise they may have been talking about Fair Hooker (Cleveland Browns), Johnny Dickshott (Pittsburgh Pirates), Randy Raper (Alabama coach), Bear Trapp (Idaho Steelheads) and the best/worst (delete as applicable) of all: Lucious Pusey. Lucious was an Easttern Illonois linebacker, by the way, who legally changed his name to Lucious Seymour for some reason.

There are a long list of Dicks, always good for a playground laugh, but perhaps the top two are Dick Felt (Boston Patriots) and Dick Paradise – not a TV documentary on a Greek island but a Minnesota NHL star.

I am sure the names of former Czech footballer Milan Fukal and Dutch player Brian Pinas are not pronounced literally. Which is just as well.

According to “Busty, Slag and Nob End” by Russell Ash (Headline £9.99) history has given us some names that make Yohan Kebab quite acceptable. Are you sitting comfortably? Here we go…in sport there’s Ars Bandeet (Algerian footballer), Dick Paswater (NASCAR driver), Jimmy Gobble (baseball) and Chief Bender (baseball). Oh, and Luke Myring (rugby). From the world of showbiz we have Doris Condom (Any Given Sunday), Pamela Hardon (Haloween), Jennifer Shag (Automatons) and Thomas Wanker (The Day After Tomorrow).

And as for the Lord’s head groundsman…let’s not even go there.

FWA Q&A: JOHN LEY

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JOHN LEY of the Daily Telegraph on a numb right arm..a Faroe time eating puffin….and missing out on the world’s largest brandy

Have you ever worked in a profession other than football?
No, apart from a paper round. I started in the profession at 15, while still at school, working part-time for the Hayters Sports Reporting Agency, plugging in telephones (the ones that weren’t mobile) and reading copy over for journalists to copy-takers. Although now as a production journalist at the Telegraph, I handle all sports.

Most memorable match?
Played in or watched? I once took part in a game between Speedway Writers and Speedway Riders at Oxford United’s old Manor Ground, when I was a sports reporter on the Oxford Mail. A lot of the top riders were on show that day and I remember I had a one-on-one with their goalkeeper, the former world champion Ole Olsen. I was just about to shoot and another top rider, Simon Wigg, pulled my shorts down in front of around 3,000 fans. Mind you, I did win the ‘Knobbliest Knees’ competition at half-time.

As for game covered, I have two. Covering the Milk Cup Final, between Oxford and QPR was special because ‘little’ Oxford were punching so above their weight at the time it was incredible. To win 3-0 at the old Wembley was just a remarkable achievement and for me to be covering it for the Oxford Mail was very special.

Another game that really sticks in the memory was the World Cup tie between Argentina and Serbia & Montenegro in 2006 in Gelsenkirchen. Diego Maradona was working as a radio pundit just behind me and we watched in awe as they took the Serbs apart, winning 6-0. I described in my Telegraph report as ‘a gift to the world wrapped in blue’. I remember being particularly impressed by one of the goalscorers, an 18-year-old called Lionel Messi.

The one moment in football you would put on a DVD?
The moment James Corden, he of Gavin & Stacey and A League Of Their Own, approached a group of journalists waiting for an England press conference at The Grove in Watford. He touched my arm, said ever-so politely, ‘excuse me sir’ then went up to one of my colleagues, Henry Winter, and said, ‘Excuse me Mr Winter, but I just wanted to say how much I admire your writing.’ Henry just smiled as Henry does and the rest turned away for fear of exploding. A classic moment.

Best stadium?
I love the Amsterdam ArenA but while so many great stadiums are being built, the charm has gone. I used to enjoy going to Deepdale, Preston’s ground. I don’t know why.

…and the worst?
At least most grounds are modern now. I can remember some real old dives, like Wigan’s old Springfield Park when the winds blew panes of glass out of the side of the main stand. Today Health & Safety may have had a word, but they just swept up the bits of glass and played on.

Your personal new-tech disaster?
I turned up at a game without my lap-top so, with the day of the copy-taker long gone, I had to write a 600-word report on my Blackberry. My right thumb has never recovered.

Biggest mistake?
Not accepting an offer to join a web site in the very early days, when I was offered the chance to go in at the bottom creating football stats. The website was bought out for millions and all those involved are, I believe, still on a beach in Barbados with the world’s largest brandy.

Have you ever been mistaken for anyone else?
When I was covering Oxford, I travelled with the team and so I was forever asked for my autograph. More recently, somebody thought I was Kenny Sansom. Not, I should add, the Kenny of old who was Arsenal’s greatest left-back, but the Kenny of now who, like us all, has put on a little poundage.

Most media friendly manager?
So many good managers over the years, particularly in the days when there was a far greater bond and trust between football types and the media. Harry Redknapp has always been very good to me, but I have to say Sir Bobby Robson.

He once threatened to put me in a skip and have me taken back to Ipswich when I went into the team’s dressing room at a reserve game before the FA Cup final in 1978. His reserve manager Bobby Ferguson said I could go in to interview Trevor Whymark, but then said he thought I was a ‘friend!’

Robson gave me both barrels, asking me if I’d pay the player’s wages if he was fined for talking to me. He then winked at this very scared 18-year-old reporter, patted me on the back and always spoke to me after that.

And I cannot forget John Lyall. I was still at school when I interviewed him for the school magazine; he went to the same school – Ilford County High – as me and granted an interview the day before a game. He said then he would always ‘open doors’ as even at 15 I was sure I wanted to be a reporter – and he kept to his word right up until he passed away.

Best ever player?
Denis Law. A genius and a gentleman. Simple as that.

Best ever teams (club and international)?
From a personal note, the Arsenal double-winning side of 1971. Not the most skilful, but a great achievement on a very impressionable 11-year-old.

And I have not seen a better performance than Argentina in 2006.

Best pre-match grub?
Luton Town when they were in the old First Division. Long before good food – or any for that matter – was expected, Luton pushed the boat out and the choice was stunning. I remember nibbling on prawns bigger than the press box.

Best meal had on your travels?
Puffin and chips in the main hotel in Torshavn, the capital of the Faroe Islands. Daft choice but it was stunning. Those with me swear they saw a small bird kept flying past the window crying, ‘mummy, where’s my mummy..?’

…and the worst?
A Chicken Kiev in Kiev. It wasn’t chicken – and I had to check I was still in Kiev. Something actually moved on the plate.

Best hotel stayed in?
For pure history, the National in Moscow. I was in room 106 and outside 107 was a plaque claiming Lenin had stayed there [there should be a John Lenin gag there somewhere – Ed]. Incredibly ornate and old charm. Great memories.

…and the worst?
Can’t remember the name, but it was in Kishishev (or Chisinau depending on where you’re from), the capital of Moldova. Wales were playing a World Cup qualifier and we were put in the ‘second best’ hotel. The water in the shower was brown (when it wasn’t grey), the bed had blood stains, the food was non existent and each floor had a people watcher. When you went to your room you got a phone call asking if you required any ‘company’.

On hearing about the lack of food, the Wales management invited us to their hotel for a meal. They had taken their own chefs, who were granted use of the kitchens. We arrived late and just as we ordered four soldiers with machine guns marched, literarily, into the kitchens and turned off the gas. I went hungry.

Do you have a hobby?
I am fascinated by history so like delving into my family tree when I can. I have also taken up bowls (the lawn green variety). But football stats are what I live for.

Favourite football writer?
There are few as good and consistent as Henry Winter, but Martin Samuel is outstanding and Patrick Barclay is still one of the best.

Favourite radio/TV commentator?
Peter Drury, to me, is the ultimate professional. But I still miss Bryon Butler, whose dulcet tones could make a shopping list sound sexy.

If you could introduce one change to improve PR between football clubs and football writers what would it be?
Be more trusting and realise that we are all in this together.

One sporting event outside football you would love to experience?
The Augusta Masters. It just looks stunning and the atmosphere is remarkable.

Favourite non-football sportsman/sports woman?
Muhammad Ali. The Greatest.

Last book read?
Newton and the Counterfeiter by Thomas Levenson. Fascinating tale about Sir Isaac and his battle to protect the Royal Mint.

Favourite current TV programme?
Anything on the History Channel.

TV show you always switch off?
Any Soap. They all look the same.

If you could bring one TV series back which would it be?
Frasier. Comedy writing at its very best. There were 264 episodes. I would kill for a 265th.

Favourite comedian?
Tommy Cooper. Glass, bottle; bottle glass.

Favourite singer/group?
Ian Dury and the Blockheads. Saw the Blockheads perform before Christmas. Made an old man very happy.

What really, really annoys you?
People emailing me asking me to fill in a Q&A.  And lorry drivers.

Your most prized football memorabilia?
Two: One is a pair of signed boots from Ryan Giggs. I was working on behalf of a charity at the hospital, St Mary’s in London, where my daughter had been looked after. I asked Ryan to sign a Manchester United shirt and when I told him what it was for he offered me a pair of his signed boots. At the subsequent auction I attempted to boost the bidding my joining in. I ended up with a very large hole in my bank account – but I do have his boots.

The other is the programme from the night Arsenal won the old First Division at White Hart Lane in 1971. It is special not only because I was there, as an 11-year-old, but that the great Eusebio was sitting behind me and I have his autograph on it.

Advice to anyone coming into the football media world?
Don’t ask me, I’m an old hack.

Seriously, I do get asked many times about how to get into the business, and I also lecture occasionally at Harlow College, home to the oldest journalism course in the country.

My advice is simple: show incredible enthusiasm. Too many people I speak to talk a good game, but when it comes to it, they don’t really have their heart in it.

Brian Mawhinney: Why England’s World Cup bid failed

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Former Football League chairman BRIAN MAWHINNEY, who was deputy chairman of the bid to stage the 2018 finals, reveals…

WHY ENGLAND’S WORLD CUP BID FAILED

By CHRISTOPHER DAVIES

MORE than most people involved in football, Brian Mawhinney has been there, seen it and done it.

In 2003 he was appointed chairman of the Football League in succession to Keith Harris, spending seven years in the position. After one year in office, he oversaw a re-organisation of the League’s structure, including renaming the former Division One as the Football League Championship. A former Northern Ireland Sports Minister, he was deputy chairman of England’s bid to host the 2018 World Cup.

Now Baron Mawhinney of Peterborough, he has also served as chairman of the Conservative party during his 26 years as an MP.

In his autobiography, Just A Simple Belfast Boy, he takes us behind the world of politics, football politics, giving a damning verdict on England’s failed World Cup bid and FIFA’s “unimpressive” behaviour as Qatar won the right to host the 2022 finals.

WORLD CUP BID

The choreography of our bid presentation in Zurich was rightly hailed as another success, but the voters were not impressed. They wanted more substance from the contenders. The Russian Deputy Prime Minister’s speech was dismissed by our team as too long, complicated and boring. But he addressed the members’ real concerns about Russia – infrastructure, stadia, travel distances and so on – in an impressive and reassuring way. Mr Putin understood what he was doing and what was being done in his name.

When it came to Qatar’s turn to present its case, the wife of the Emir cut through the tendency towards Hollywood hype. She asked a pointed, searing question. When did FIFA members think would be the ‘right time’ to hold the World Cup finals in an Arab country? Despite Qatar’s burning heat, the voters got the political message.

For our part we made legacy claims which simply were not believable and talked about how we would use football to change lives in a way that must have seemed like scratching the surface to those whose lives and countries literally had been transformed by the beautiful game. Our bid was polished, professional and very well received. Sadly its substance was not thought to match its presentation.

No country received better accolades from FIFA for its bid book and inspection visit. So why only one vote apart from [England’s FIFA ex-co representative] Geoff Thompson’s? In no particular order: we were seriously underfinanced; we got our strategy wrong; we created management and governance structures which were dogged by conflicting egos and football politics, too much of which stemmed from the senior ranks of the FA; we had little, if any, influence in FIFA; the British media had become the bête noire and the Premier League and its clubs did not flex their considerable financial and sporting muscle sufficiently on our behalf.

Geoff Thompson is an honourable man of genuine integrity. I count him a Christian friend; but not even his best friends would claim he commands situations, compels support or shapes outcomes. His judgment is usually sound but too low key for the brash world of FIFA football. And he was our one and only national representative among the FIFA elite. He told me he thought he had persuaded some of his friends on the executive committee to vote for us, presumably believing their word. In the event they let him down. Or, to be blunt, they lied to him. Maybe they thought, knowing Geoff’s sense of Christian forgiveness, that their lack of morality was relatively risk free.

FIFA’s behaviour throughout the process was unimpressive, to put it delicately. It had created a strong sense that its judgments would be objectively based on demonstrably fair criteria. This turned out to be nonsense. Qatar’s risk factor assessment was high, though not, of course, when it came to finance. The country was deemed to have insufficient infrastructure, no stadia (except on planning paper) and a temperature which would be around 45 degrees Celsius at game time.

And what notice did ExCo members, including Sepp Blatter, take of this risk assessment? None.

THE PRESS

My first press conference was a revelation. Two questions predominated. The first was, chairman – a politician? A Conservative politician? (in tones which parodied John McEnroe’s famous ‘you cannot be serious’). This was an early warning of football’s disdain for government and politicians. On that first day, the cream of English football reporting had great difficulty in progressing beyond the box labelled ‘politics.’ There was no recognition that I may have any skills – inherited or learned – relevant experience or personal commitment.

Indeed the continued use of the word ‘politician’ too often sounded as if it was accompanied by a curl of the lip. English football fans deserved something a little more analytical and, dare I add, more objective.

The second question was how many clubs I thought the Football League would lose by the end of the season. The reporters’ downbeat assessment was that six to eight clubs could go out of business. I told them I did not have a crystal ball and would not guess (‘speculate’ is the polite word).

Many football journalists are transfixed by speculation; perhaps because so much about football revolves around prediction, passion, prejudice, hope and injury rather than hard fact. To be fair, they have to explain a game where the past is never a reliable indicator of the future. Some journalists thrive on substituting ‘what-if or maybe’ in place of informed judgment. They talk and write as if feelings are a solid base for factual analysis – or indeed even for guesswork. ‘How do/did you feel’ has become the lazy substitute for proper questioning in football, as it has throughout the media. ‘What do you think?’ seldom gets examined.

Fortunately there are outstanding exceptions to this slightly unflattering generalisation. Each of us will have his favourites. Mine include, but are not restricted to, Patrick Barclay, David Conn, Charlie Sale, Martin Samuel, Henry Winter and Jimmy Armfield.

CHEATING

So what is cheating? Other than physically endangering an opposing player, the cheating I find most unacceptable is the deliberate blocking of the taking of free-kicks by the refusal of one or more players to retreat 10 yards immediately a free-kick has been given against their side. The rule book says that is a yellow card offence. Instead what we see far too often is a deliberate and often apparently practised effort to prevent the taking of the free-kick by the team that offended. Shame on the guilty managers.

When you add to this the pervasive stealing of yards at throw-ins and free-kicks, players claiming advantage they know they do not deserve, or illegally trying to intimidate the referee, the deliberate illegal holding, often wrestling, of opponents in the penalty area, shirt-pulling of epidemic proportions, iniquitous diving, bad-mouthing referees, the feigning of injury (in an attempt to falsely damage the prospects of an opposing player) you are left wondering why managers do not, and do not even want to, exercise more control over their players and why club directors do not insist they do.

A flurry of yellow cards, as the laws require, would lead to player expulsions, is an argument against such punishment. There would be short-term mayhem. So what? Once managers understand that the change in attitude was permanent they would very quickly force a change of behaviour from their players. And the game – faster, cleaner, fairer – would be transformed for the benefit of the fans. But everyone opts for being loved rather than respected.

*Just A Simple Belfast Boy by Brian Mawhinney (Biteback Publishing, £25 hardback).

FWA Q&A: Jacqui Oatley

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JACQUI OATLEY of BBC Radio 5 Live on when she made Wenger lose the will to live…laughing at a guest’s name…and cold cabbage in Donetsk

Have you ever worked in a profession other than football?
Yes, I accidentally fell into intellectual property. I did a German degree before travelling round the world for a year, expecting to know what I wanted to do by the end of it. But I still had no idea. I didn’t realise that a career in football was a realistic option. I moved to London and, via a language agency, became sales and marketing manager for an intellectual property software company, later becoming key account manager protecting clients’ brands on the internet. But when I dislocated my knee cap and ruptured the ligaments playing football, I was told I could never play again. During my 10 months on crutches the football fires burnt inside me, so I researched the prospect of working in sports journalism. I started doing hospital radio, took evening courses in print journalism and radio production, followed by several months of full-time unpaid work experience (I’d given up my flat and job and was sleeping on friends’ floors) before moving up to Sheffield to do a one-year postgrad in broadcast journalism and freelancing as a non-league reporter for BBC Radio Leeds. I loved every minute of it.

Most memorable match?
I’m lucky to have been to so many top football matches, including major tournaments around the world. It’s incredibly difficult to pick out one match but commentating for BBC Radio 5 Live at the World Cup in South Africa was a real career highlight. I had to pinch myself that I was there to work, especially as it was in the country of my mother’s birth and I’d been there several times to visit family. My first match was England’s Group C rivals Algeria v Slovenia in Polokwane – a fantastic experience – and I followed it up with several more commentaries in different cities around South Africa, including the beautiful Cape Town. Another highlight was the 2012 Olympics and Team GB women’s victory over Brazil at Wembley in front of 70,000 people, demonstrating how far the game had developed both on and off the pitch.

The one moment in football you would put on a DVD?
So many to choose from but I’ll go for Gazza’s wonderful goal for England against Scotland at Euro 96, but I’d start watching a couple of minutes earlier when Gary McAllister’s penalty was saved by David Seaman (justice was done as Tony Adams had won the ball cleanly from Gordon Durie). Cue wild celebrations all over the country.

Best stadium?
I loved both the Allianz Arena in Munich and the Donbass Arena in Donetsk, the latter because it looks like a spaceship at night. For old school charm you can’t beat Craven Cottage by the Thames. Their fans by the press box are always up for a friendly chat.

…and the worst?
That has to be Amstetten in Austria where England’s women played a World Cup qualifier in 2005. The venue was more of a community ground than a football stadium and my ISDN line, which I needed to report for 5 Live, was in the main building’s office about 50 yards away from the edge of the stadium. I could barely see any of the action, let alone the four goals England scored. The England women have had to play in some dreadful grounds over the years…

Your personal new-tech disaster?
The only real nightmare I’ve had, touch wood, was a lovely interview Arsene Wenger gave me for 5 Live before Arsenal’s final match at Highbury. This was in the days when he did separate interviews for radio, TV, written press, etc. A Capital Radio reporter and I had plenty of time with a relaxed, friendly Wenger as he waxed lyrical about the history of the famous old ground and the magical feeling he had when he walked into the Marble Halls to see the bust of Herbert Chapman. To my horror, I discovered afterwards that there had been a technical problem with the equipment and it hadn’t recorded properly. To compound matters, the Capital Radio lad had a hiss on his recording so neither was usable. Around 45 minutes later, after he’d completed several further rounds of interviews on the same subject, I persuaded a tired Arsene to give me a couple more minutes. It was a generous gesture from one of my favourite interviewees, but of course he was losing the will to live by that point and the interview was very different. A stressful day.

Biggest mistake?
Being unable to contain my laughter when I was presenting a non-league segment on BBC Radio Leeds in my early days of broadcasting. My telephone guest had an unusual name which still makes me laugh to this day. I was paranoid that I’d laugh when I introduced him and that’s precisely what happened. I was in bits while trying to sound normal and had to pretend we’d lost the line and move on. Embarrassingly unprofessional in hindsight, I just lost it.

Have you ever been mistaken for anyone else?
The tea lady in the Old Trafford press room. I’ve been mistaken for Juliette Ferrington a few times and she’s had the same, seeing as we’re the only regular female football reporters on 5 Live. Outside of football, I’ve been mistaken for both Anthea Turner and her sister, Wendy, but not for a few years.

Most media friendly manager?
As I mentioned, Arsene Wenger is great to interview. He’ll hardly ever snap at a reporter or refuse to answer a question and gives fully considered answers. Although I was at the pre-Bayern Munich press conference last season which shocked a few of us. He was angry about a newspaper headline that day. Roberto Martinez is a gem – such a nice, calm, friendly man who treats reporters with respect.

Best ever player?
Difficult to tell as I didn’t see enough of Pele, and tragically nobody got to see enough of Duncan Edwards, but Maradona was the greatest when I was little and remains so. Messi may well become the greatest ever but not before he’s won the World Cup, or at least come close.

Best ever teams (club and international)?
This would be easier to answer if I were 100 years old. Barcelona around 2011 were phenomenal, although it’s impossible to say they were the best as football has evolved so much in different ways since Manchester United in the 60s, Ajax in the 70s and AC Milan in the 80s. Then there’s the United side which won the treble in 99, they weren’t too bad. In terms of international teams, I’ve seen videos of the Brazil 1970 team and the likes of Pele, Jairzinho and Tostao could play a bit. Wow. Although so too can Xavi and Iniesta and they’ve won three major trophies in a row.

Best pre-match grub?
It’s between Arsenal and Chelsea…..I’ll go for Chelsea because of the variety on offer. Salad, hot food, sandwiches, etc.

Best meal had on your travels?
A restaurant in Shanghai, China, at the Women’s World Cup in 2007 with other media folk. I remember being starving for the entire tournament as we were travelling and filming so much between matches, plus I was working for radio too, so was always on the go. We could never just find something quick and easy to eat so often went without.

…and the worst?
My hotel breakfast in Donetsk after a Spurs match the night before. It was more of a youth hostel than a hotel. I slept on a mattress on the floor and there were no windows, no power sockets and the shower didn’t work so you could imagine the standard of breakfast. I was famished as I couldn’t get late dinner the night before and found there was cold cabbage and other similarly unappetising offerings for breakfast. Again, I went without.

One sporting event outside football you would love to experience?
I’ve always wanted to go to the Masters golf at Augusta. That course always looks stunning so to see a British winner there, preferably Justin Rose or Luke Donald, would be perfect. I’d also love to see England win an Ashes Test at the MCG in Melbourne. I’ve seen an Aussie Rules match there and I’ve watched England beat the Aussies at Lord’s, but an Ashes victory at “the G” would be lovely, thanks.

Last book read?
“Footballer” by Kelly Smith, England’s greatest ever female player. It was frustrating to read about the struggles of such a richly talented footballer growing up in an era when women’s football wasn’t respected in England. She had to go to America to become a full-time professional where her talent was recognised, although she suffered with several injuries as well as alcoholism. A very good read.

Favourite current TV programme?
In terms of football it would be Football Focus. I don’t get much time to watch non-sport programmes but I do like Location, Location, Location, usually while hanging up the washing and entertaining my toddler at the same time. Have I Got News For You is another long-standing favourite. I love satire.

Your most prized football memorabilia?
Not one item in particular apart from signed shirts from my own club. I also have signed Fulham and Blackburn shirts from my first ever Match of the Day commentary which evoke mixed memories.

Advice to anyone coming into the football media world?
Work extremely hard and treat people well. It’s a very tough profession to make a living out of so when you’re starting out you can’t afford to pick and choose which days you fancy working around social commitments. You have to be prepared to travel to where the work is, maybe move to another part of the country or beyond and work all the anti-social hours going. Oh, and you may have to do it for very little pay, if any, initially. Those with an aptitude for the job and the confidence to make contacts and ask for phone numbers will progress, those who don’t fancy working too many Saturdays and moan about their lot won’t get very far. Also, a sense of humour definitely helps in this business.

CHELSEA FANS HAPPY BUT A SECOND DIVORCE SEEMS LIKELY

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Fleet Street sceptical about the return of the Special One

WHAT IS undeniable is that Jose Mourinho’s return to Chelsea will make football writers’ jobs easier. Confrontation yes, but dull he isn’t. And we can expect to see the best side of Mourinho when he is officially unveiled at a press conference on Monday. The Special One will be the Charismatic One…the Smiling One.

Yet for many the phrase “charm offensive” will be more fitting for Mourinho who has the ability to charm and offend in frustratingly equal proportions. A coach who has been hugely successful at FC Porto, Chelsea, Inter Milan and, in the eyes of some, “only” successful at Real Madrid has made a habit, almost an art form, of making enemies among the press, his players, his clubs’ powerbrokers, opponents and referees (plus an ambulance service).

Explaining Mourinho’s departure from Stamford Bridge by mutual consent (plus an £18 million compensation cheque) in September 2007, Chelsea said: “The relationship been Jose and the club has broken down.”

When you split with a partner and attempt to get together again, the reasons for the initial split remain, so will it be different second time round for the Portuguese and the Russian? Will Roman Abramovich soften his hands-on approach to his managers? Will Mourinho accept the involvement of technical director Michael Emenalo?

Mourinho will undoubtedly be successful, most Chelsea managers are, and the Blues fans will be as pro-Jose as they were anti-Rafa Benitez.

Fleet Street reacted with guarded optimism as the least surprising managerial appointment of the summer became a reality, yet scepticism was obvious about this particular love being lovelier the second time around.

“What a lovely couple they make,” wrote Oliver Kay in The Times. “Jose Mourinho and Chelsea were always a match in heaven. So were Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, of course, but after their brief, turbulent second marriage they always longed for a third.

“It is only natural to regard the second union of Mourinho and Chelsea as the sequel to a tumultuous, doomed but riotously enjoyable love affair. It will surely end in tears given that both he and Roman Abramovich seem to be even more combustible and more impulsive than at the time of their acrimonious split in September 2007, but the issue is whether, like last time, they can bring each other gratification in the short term that makes every bit of pain feel worthwhile.”

Also in The Times, Matt Dickinson believes Mourinho finds himself back at Stamford Bridge as much because of Abramovich’s failure to tempt Pep Guardiola to succeed Roberto di Matteo and then Rafa Benitez. He wrote: “Chelsea fans rejoice now they have their Jose back and their joy is understandable…[but] it was the return that Chelsea did not want, either, until they got a little desperate. No one was buying into Mourinho’s guff about romance and a place in each other’s hearts.

“Roman Abramovich’s passion was Pep Guardiola. Mourinho wanted Manchester United. For two men so accustomed to getting their own way it must be disconcerting to be united in defeat.

“But let us not pretend this is where he, or Chelsea, wanted to be.”

Writing in the Daily Express, Mick Dennis leaves no one in any doubt that he welcomes Mourinho as much as a Norwich City defeat. He said: “Graceless winner, spiteful loser. He is back. Excuse me if I absent myself from the celebrations. There are countless examples of his nastiness. Many think none of it matters. They accept the euphemisms about what Mourinho is and what he does. With a chuckle they talk of him being ‘a character’…but the saddest excuse for the manner in which Mourinho discards the basic tenets of sport and decency is that ‘he is a winner.’

“Indeed he is. And if that is all that counts then he will be allowed to continue debasing the sport which rewards him so handsomely. Some of us just don’t want to celebrate such a depressing decline.”

Henry Winter takes a more upbeat approach in the Daily Telegraph. Under  the headline ‘Welcome back Jose. You have been missed’ Winter takes a romantic view of The Return as he writes: “It was the love affair that never ended. He left. They mourned, falling briefly in the arms of others, hot and cold. Now he is back. It’s Jose Mourinho and Chelsea fans, it’s Mills and Boon and it’s a special relationship that could spell trouble for others.”

But trouble is what Mourinho must avoid. Winter said: “He must heed the gentle warnings of those who respect him as well as basking in the unblinking love of the supporters. A serially shrewd individual, Mourinho needs to consider carefully every interaction. He has history with Premier League referees. He has had issues with Roman Abramovich…he needs to work with, not against, Michael Emenalo.

“Mourinho deserves to be welcomed back. He adds to the excitement. He is an outstanding manager. He will make Chelsea a genuine threat in the title race, arguably favourites. He will make some unpleasant headlines and will find English football is less forgiving this time round. But it is good to see him back.”

James Lawton in The Independent suggests the love affair is a more of a one-way street. He wrote: “In the joyful ceremonials of his resurrection as Chelsea manager we should not for a moment forget that Jose Mourinho is living, swaggering proof that when you fall in love with yourself there is every chance it will prove a life-long romance.

“We should also recognise that Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich, having been rebuffed by the likes of Pep Guardiola and Juergen Klopp for the most impeccable of reasons, has made his best possible appointment.”

The Sunday Times’ Jonathan Northcroft, speaking on Radio 5Live, thinks it is imperative Mourinho has complete control over team matters, notably transfers. He said: “It was interesting to hear him say he was willing to marry again and it does feel like a couple getting back together. They’ve missed each other, they remember the romance first time round but maybe have forgotten some of the bad times. Let’s remember when he left in 2007 it was because he felt Abramovich was starting to interfere in transfers like Andrei Shevchenko and Mourinho felt he wasn’t able to pick the team…or at least from the squad he wanted.

“Emenalo is in there as Abramovich’s man. He’s been managing transfers for the last couple of years. I think he will have to take a step back. I think the key to it will be Abramovich allowing Mourinho to get on with it because if it [interference] happens again Mourinho’s reaction will be exactly the same.”

Back in the Daily Telegraph, Paul Hayward harbours similar reservations about the second coming of Mourinho. He wrote: “With all this [a multi-talented team] in his favour Mourinho must be confident he can keep Abramovich off his back with rapid progress. A summer splurge by [Manchester] City could alter the rosy picture, but Chelsea are unlikely to hold back either. But there will come a day when Mourinho feels the oligarch above him is exceeding the bounds of acceptable involvement and is messing with his team.

“On that day, blowing kisses to the fans would not save him from Abramovich’s ruthlessness or whims.”

Mourinho has signed a four-year contract which would be unchartered territory for manager and owner if completed. The Guardian’s Owen Gibson wrote: “The odds on Mourinho making it to the end of his four-year contract must be long. The smart money must be on a rollercoaster ride that takes in significant silverware before spectacularly derailing with serious collateral damage.

“The professed aims of stability, youth development and profitability appear almost as far away as ever. But it is a deal most Chelsea fans are only too happy to sign up for.”

In the meantime some dedicated members of the Football Writers’ Association will be leaving their families next month to cover Mourinho II as his return gets underway in Thailand.

FWA Q&A: BOB “the Cat” BEVAN MBE

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BOB “the Cat” BEVAN MBE on a Shorthorn…fun with the Fire Brigade in Mauritius…and Duncan Edwards’ autograph

Have you ever worked in a profession other than after dinner speaking?
Trainee rep in a builder’s merchants in Shoreditch, East London, then sub-editor on Lloyd’s List and Shipping Gazette (world’s oldest daily newspaper) rising to Asst Chief Reporter by age 20, sold Kleen-e-zee Brushes round the doors part-time while at the List as we worked afternoons and evenings, Head of PR for Shorthorn Society and produced six editions of the Dairy Shorthorn Jounal (which I’ll show you if you’re not careful), Deputy Editor, Travel Trade Monthly, Head of PR, European Ferries Plc and Chairman Bevan PR Ltd. Now also do stand-up, interviewing, presenting, script and speech writing including poems.

Most memorable match?
Torn between 1966 World Cup Final, Palace 4 Liverpool 3 FA Cup Semi 1990, and (before I went in goal) Unilever 2 Old Wilsonians 4th XI 8 (Bevan 6 and missed pen).

The one moment in football you would put on a DVD?
Playing in goal at Wembley for Old Burnley v Old Wolves before the Sherpa Van Trophy Final with Bobby Moore and Nobby Stiles. Won 2-0. A rare clean sheet. TVam lost the tape!

Best stadium?
Old Wembley and old Dulwich Hamlet for romance, new Brighton stadium for atmosphere and facilities (that from a Palace supporter).

…and the worst?
Estadio Centenario, Montevideo, the first World Cup Final venue which has been preserved in its original form. Penarol play there with nil cover for the fans in a rainy city. Great history and museum though.  Also saw a game at Boca Juniors, Buenos Aires, about three years ago. Stadium, largely uncovered, like stepping back 50 years but fantastic atmosphere

Your personal new-tech disaster?
My mate Brian Robinson (who I write with) and I did a spoof on the Archers in a script for a Whitbread promotion and I tapped it into the word processor as we went. Somehow I managed to wipe it and had to spend the evening trying to remember it and tap it in again. Didn’t tell him ‘til I’d done it but he couldn’t think of anything I had forgotten. Promotion eventually got cancelled but we did get the money.

Biggest mistake?
On my first overseas press trip at the age of 19, being unfamiliar with airports, I didn’t realise you had to go through to a departure lounge and I missed the flight to Gothenburg where we were due to board a new car ferry on its maiden voyage to England. Upside was I was sharp enough to get on another flight via Copenhagen and walked up the ship’s gangway about 10 minutes before it sailed to much stick from fellow shipping journos

Have you ever been mistaken for anyone else?
Playing cricket for the Lord’s Taverners with such celebs as David Frost I was the one person who didn’t get asked for autographs much to the amusement of the rest of the team. At a game in Kent I said to Willie Rushton: “I will get a few down here because I’m on local TV.” As we walked round the ground a woman pushed past Willie and thrust a book into my hand. As I was nudging Willie and signing the book the woman said: “I am right? You are the weatherman?” I looked round. Willie was heading for the dressing room.

Most media friendly manager?
Lots of them because I meet them in good circumstances and we normally have a laugh. Probably have to be Sir Bobby Robson but I also had a special lunch event interviewing and teasing Sir Alex Ferguson and Harry Redknapp and they were great. My mate Lennie Lawrence is also excellent. A natural.

Best ever player?
Jimmy Greaves

Best ever teams (club and international)?
England 1966 World Cup team and Crystal Palace 1991 team under Geoff Thomas who came third in the old Div 1. Wright, Bright, Andy Thorn, Eric Young, Nigel Martyn etc

Best pre-match grub?
Brighton although Palace has improved enormously under the new owners

Best meal had on your travels?
Brighton before the second leg of the Championship play-off Semi this May

…and the worst?
Perhaps in the Kent CCC Committee Tent at Tunbridge Wells 2012. A pork pie and a lump of cheese dumped on one plate. Shouldn’t admit this as I am the 2013 KCCC President. It’s vastly better this year.

Best hotel stayed in?
Le St Geran, Mauritius, and the manager arranged for me to go to an African Club Champions Cup match. I think the home team were called Fire Brigade but sadly I couldn’t get a programme. They lost to a Zambian side.

…and the worst?
The Gate Hotel, Canterbury, this year. Real Fawlty Towers. No telephone in my room and when I tried to book a cab at reception they did not have a telephone that they could ring out on. There were many other faults, the main one being that the manager didn’t care.

Do you have a hobby?
Collecting football programmes, but almost exclusively games I have attended, football and cricket literature and memorabilia and watching football, closely followed by cricket, especially Test Matches

Favourite football writer?
The late Ian Wooldridge even though he had fallen out of love with football and I didn’t always agree with him. Today probably Henry Winter.

Favourite radio/TV commentator?
Alan Parry.

If you could introduce one change to improve PR between football clubs and football writers what would it be?
Football gets so much free publicity it annoys me when clubs ban journos from the ground or refuse to talk to a section of the press. ie Sir Alex and the BBC. It is disrespectful to the fans. Maybe the FWA should set up a Complaints Panel, recognised by clubs and media companies, to rule on disputes? It could include, among others, a member from the FWA, the LMA, the FA, a fan with PR/media experience and a member of the legal profession as chair*.

One sporting event outside football you would love to experience?
Played football at Wembley, cricket at Lord’s and would love to play tennis on the Centre Court at Wimbledon

Favourite non-football sportsman/sportswoman?
Seb Coe.

Last book read?
The Litigators by John Grisham

Favourite current TV programme?
Have I Got News for You

TV show you always switch off?
Anything with Lorraine Kelly

If you could bring one TV series back which would it be?
Morecambe and Wise Show.

Favourite comedian?
Tommy Cooper.

Favourite singer/group?
Rod Stewart (I spoke at his Dad’s 80th birthday party and gave him a copy of my LP! It was one of football gags) I told him “you must have a lot of rubbish LPs in your house, Mr Stewart. Here’s one you’ll enjoy.” Rod took it quite well.

What really, really annoys you in life?
1. Rudeness to waiters.

2. Bad language in songs and chants at football matches. Clubs should try to change the fashion and use players in that campaign.

Your most prized football memorabilia?
Programme of British Army 1 French Army 3 at Dulwich Hamlet 1956 (Brit team inc. Alan Hodgkinson, Jimmy Armfield, Graham Shaw, Eddie Colman, Bill Foulkes, Duncan Edwards, got his autograph). French Army inc. Just Fontaine – 13 goals in 1958 World Cup Finals and 2 pens in this game.

Advice to anyone coming into the after dinner speaking world?
First time I spoke with Frank McLintock he told jokes about as well as I could play at centre-half. When he asked for advice on the train home I said he should dwell on football stories and his experiences as a famous player, which was what the audience wanted to hear, and leave the gags to the comics. He has since become an excellent after dinner speaker. Not sure whether that was due to my advice though! So the advice is remember why you’ve been asked and talk about that. Ray Parlour does great original and funny stuff about Wenger and doesn’t try to tell gags.

*This is something the FWA have spoken to English football’s stakeholders about.

England 0, Brazil 12

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By CHRISTOPHER DAVIES

HERE IS the answer: England none, Brazil 12.

The question is: how many overseas players are in the respective squads for Sunday’s friendly in Rio de Janeiro?

Roy Hodgson bemoans the dwindling number of English players in the Barclays Premier League because of the ever growing foreign legion. Brazil coach Luiz Felipe Scolari has only half of his squad playing at home. The latest Brazilian export to Europe is Neymar, who this week secured his transfer from Santos to Barcelona,

Hodgson and recent England managers have had minimal travel to watch potential internationals. In the last nine years the only England players of any serious stature who have played abroad are David Beckham (Real Madrid and Los Angeles Galaxy), Owen Hargreaves (Bayern Munich) and Michael Owen (Real Madrid).

On the other hand, a succession of Brazil coaches have had to spend much time in Europe assessing the form of their players.

The last Brazil squad for a World Cup to comprise entirely of home-based players was at Argentina 1978 when England did not qualify. All 22 players selected by coach Claudio Coutinho played in their domestic league.

At Spain 1982 Falcao (AS Roma) and Dirceu (Atletico Madrid) became the first overseas-based Brazilians to play in the finals with Tony Woodcock of Cologne flying the foreign flag for England.

Four years later in Mexico, Brazil had Edinho (Udinese) and Junior (Torino) while England’s two overseas representatives also played in Serie A – the AC Milan pair Ray Wilkins and Mark Hateley.

By Italia 90 the Brazilian exodus was gathering momentum with half of the squad earning their trade in Europe – Jorginho (Bayer Leverkusen), Ricardo Gomes (Benfica), Dunga (Fiorentina), Alemao (Napoli), Branco (Porto), Valdo (Benfica), Careca (Napoli), Romario (PSV), Carlos Mozer (Marseille), Aldair (Benfica) and Muller (Torino) while Silas played for Central Espanol in Uruguay. For England, Chris Waddle was with Marseille, but Rangers had four players with the auld enemy: Gary Stevens, Terry Butcher, Trevor Steven and Chris Woods.

England failed to qualify for USA 94 where Brazil’s victorious squad contained 10 from Europe and one from Japan.

It was a similar story for Brazil at France 98 – Europe 10, Japan 2. All 22 England players played at home.

Ten of the Brazil squad that won the 2002 World Cup were based overseas with Owen Hargreaves of Bayern Munich England’s lone “outsider.”

By Germany 2006 only three of Brazil’s 23-man squad  played at home – goalkeeper Rogerio Ceni plus midfielders Mineiro and Ricardinho. In England’s squad Hargreaves and David Beckham (Real Madrid) were the two from abroad.

In the last World Cup in South Africa, Brazil again had only three “homers” – Gilberto (Cruzeiro), Kleberson (Flamengo) and Robinho (Santos). And again all the England squad were based in England.

Gerry Hitchens (Inter Milan) in 1962 was England’s first overseas player at a World Cup. Since then Brazil have had 100 to England’s eight.

If nothing else, it saves on the England manager’s travel expenses.