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SHARING A ROOM WITH TERRIBLE TONY – ‘A COMPLETE NUTTER WHOSE IDEAL NIGHT OUT INCLUDED 17 PINTS OF STRONG LAGER’

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BY JOHN ANDERSON

COVER football and see the world at someone else’s expense. It sure beats working for a living. You visit new places and meet new people, yet sometimes things aren’t quite as the brochure indicated…well, initially at least.

John Anderson covers England for talkSPORT and in the updated version of A Great Face For Radio he recalls his horror at having to share a room with Terrible Tony at the 2010 World Cup finals in South Africa.

“AS I WAS the only representative from talkSPORT who was based with England, I had no obvious partner to share a room with at the media accommodation. By a process of elimination I was paired with another solo traveller, I learnt that he was a Eurosport website reporter I had never met called Tony Mabert who wasn’t due to join the party until a week after we arrived.

I shared a taxi to Heathrow with the Daily Mirror’s John Cross who lives close to me in north London and who had been a good mate on numerous football and athletics trips going back 10 years. During the journey he looked up from his texting and asked me who I was sharing with.

“Some bloke from Eurosport called Tony Mabert,” I replied.

Crossy let out an astonished shriek and turned towards me, his face contorted in horror.

“Oh my God,” he spluttered. “Not terrible Tony.”

After which he broke out into a cackle of fiendish laughter. “Bloody hell Ando, he’s an absolute maniac.”

He explained he’s come across Tony during Euro 2008 and regaled me with lurid tales of how his unpredictable behaviour, violent mood swings and drunken antics had shocked even the most seasoned campaigners within the England press corps. As I listened I grew increasingly alarmed at the prospect of sharing an apartment with a man who appeared to possess all the social niceties of a 1970’s Oliver Reed crossed with Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

Crossy continued tapping away on his Blackberry throughout the conversation and within minutes, I received a text from 5Live senior football reporter Ian Dennis.

“I hear you’re sharing with TT, good luck.”

As word got around I was accosted at the check-in by other travelling companions who were keen to inform me of the impending oblivion into which I would shortly be enveloped. Even the Independent On Sunday’s Steve Tongue, a former colleague at IRN and one of the gentlest souls on the trip, sidled up to offer his condolences.

“Surely this bloke can’t be that bad?” I kept insisting.

“Honestly mate, he’s a complete nutter,” came the unanimous response.

I digested the news on a slightly nervous journey to Johannesburg as I pondered what on earth I was in for during the following weeks. It appeared that Tony’s idea of a good night out consisted of necking 17 pints of strong lager, having a fight with a nightclub bouncer, ripping the door off his hotel room and dancing insanely to techno music until dawn.

Given my own past history I’m certainly not one to suffer bouts of righteous indignation when it comes to other people’s social habits, but the idea of having to wake up at seven to do a live chat with the Alan Brazil Sports Breakfast to a back-drop of bacchanalian mayhem was a little disconcerting. Having said that, Alan himself would no doubt have heartily approved. At least I had a week to prepare myself.

My early starts meant this was one of the driest trips I had ever done as there was just about time to nip down to the nearby 4th Street Cafe after the last report of the day and sink a quick pint or two before collapsing into bed ahead of the next one. It was all a far cry from the heady days of the early 1990’s when any amount of sleep that could be stolen between nightclub closing and the press conference starting was considered a bonus.

The legendary Tony Lockwood once decided it was time to grab a quick kip after a big night out in Rotterdam and marched up to the hotel receptionist. “Hello, I’m Mr Lockwood, room 154. Could I have an alarm call for 7.15am please?”

“It’s 7.30 now sir.”

FROM TIME to time people would mischievously ask if Terrible Tony had arrived. Rob Beasley, my old mate from the Signal Radio days, and his room-mate Sun photographer Dickie Pelham put up an incredible display of horrified indignation during one coach journey to training.

“The problem is,” Rob explained. “He’s so unpredictable, especially when he’s had a drink. On the face of it he’s quite a nice guy, but he just has this knack of winding people up. I’ve nearly hit him a couple of times.”

I was so concerned that I approached BAC Sport’s Brian Scott [who was in charge of media travel] to voice my concerns. He explained that there was little that could be done unless an actual incident took place.

As you have probably guessed, I had been totally taken in and Tony Mabert turned out to be a hugely likeable fellow in his late 20’s who was on his first major trip with England. We got on like a house on fire from the word go and he found the whole Terrible Tony thing hilarious. The name stuck and he gained instant credibility among our companions in the village.

I had to make my hat off to Crossy who admitted he thought the whole thing up on the spur the moment during the taxi ride; it had been a brilliantly executed set-up and I actually felt privileged to have been the hapless victim.”

From: A Great Face For Radio – the adventures of a sports commentator by John Anderson (Paperback: Pitch Publishing £9.99) plus Kindle and iTunes.

EMMET MALONE – so popular in Cyprus they are naming a pub after him and he’ll have his own banner at APOEL (but his name is mud in Turkey)

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By CHRISTOPHER DAVIES

EMMET MALONE is the most popular Irishman in Nicosia. The football correspondent of The Irish Times will never have to buy another drink in the Cypriot capital. There could even be a pub named after him – the ultimate honour for a football writer, many would feel.

All because Malone was the person responsible for reinstating APOEL FC to the Europa League at the expense of Fenerbahce, the least politically correct choice he could have made.

Malone has been to the island to cover games against the Republic of Ireland and enjoyed the warmth of the locals. When he returns to Cyprus he will receive a welcome usually reserved for local heroes. On the other hand, his name is mud in Turkey.

“The pub idea was nice, but the one I really liked was the football banner,” said Malone. “A banner – that’s respect in football.” He was told on Monday morning an APOEL supporter had even named his son after him.

Malone was in Monaco last week for the European draws. “Fenerbahce had lost their appeal against expulsion from the Europa League for match fixing,” said Malone. “A replacement was to be drawn from the sides that lost in the final round of qualifying for the group stages on Thursday evening.”

UEFA general secretary Gianni Infantino explained that European football’s ruling body wanted a journalist to make the draw. Mehmet Demircan, the editor of Turkish sports magazine Fanatik, volunteered, but UEFA explained a representative from a neutral country without a club in the draw, therefore unaffected by the controversy, was needed.

David Farrelly, UEFA’s head of communications, asked fellow Irishman Malone if he would make the draw. “I thought he was joking,” said Malone.

He wasn’t. UEFA laid on transport to the Méridien Beach Plaza hotel where Malone stepped on to the podium and put a hand in a bowl full of identical containers. After the obligatory shuffling of the balls Malone picked one out.

“It didn’t really matter to me who replaced Fenerbahce,” said Malone. “I wasn’t overly concerned. It was an interesting experience, deciding which way to spin the balls…just doing something we’d all seen so many times. The implications for the club involved didn’t occur to me.”

They soon did. Malone opened the container, unfolded the piece of paper and read out the name of the lucky club: APOEL FC. Malone had chosen a team based in Nicosia to replace a Turkish club. Nice one, Emmett.

Malone had no idea what was to come once Planet Twitter reacted to the news. One of the first tweets was from APOEL’s Irish striker Cillian Sheridan: “S**t way to qualify but don’t care.” APOEL had lost their two-leg tie 3-2 to Zulte Waregem; thanks to Malone they were given a lifeline.

Another early tweet warned: “@emmetmalone expect a tweet deluge. Your twitter account was in the main news of Cyprus brocasting [sic] today.”

It wasn’t so much a deluge as a twitter typhoon. Malone’s 15 minutes of fame were up and running as APOEL fans showed their gratitude.

*Sir you have no idea how many would like to shake your hand, buy you a beer or if you like send you home made halloumi cheese.

*If you are the guy who drew #Apoel out in draw to replace Fenerbace [sic], you are now a bona fide hero in #cyprus.

*Today I’m opening an Irish Pub called “Malone’s”, to honour the great @emmetmalone. #apoel.

*Mr @emmetmalone, I LOVE YOU!!! God bless YOU and everyone you love.

* Thank you @emmetmalone! When are you coming to Cyprus? We’d love to take you out! 🙂 #APOEL @apoelfcofficial.

*Dear Emmet [sic] Malone! I don’t know you but I would like to thank you! You made more than 20.000 people today happy! Only APOEL!

Malone had no time to think of the financial benefits to whoever was drawn. The qualification to the group stage will be worth around £3 million from UEFA, TV rights, the marketing pool and ticket sales. On top of that, a win earns £165,000 and a draw £83,000.

No wonder a grateful APOEL president offered Malone and his wife a complimentary trip to one of the group ties.

Demircan, meanwhile, wished Malone all the best with his new-found popularity in Cyprus, cautioned him against holidaying anytime soon in Turkey. “There, he told me, my name is mud,” said Malone. He was joking – Mehmet and Emmet laughed about the irony – but some Besiktas fans, delighted with the dark humour of Malone’s draw, also offered him a holiday.

Malone will consider all offers when the dust settles. More immediately, Ireland versus Sweden on Friday is top of his agenda.

FWA Q&A: David Miller

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DAVID MILLER on stepping back in time in Albania…a two and a half hour meal with Alf Ramsey…and staying in a war-time barracks in Wolverhampton

Have you ever worked in a profession other than football?
A sports PR consultant 1990-2013. Also written 12 books on the Olympic Games.

Most memorable match?
The 1966 World Cup final which I reported for the Sunday Telegraph. England had long been perceived as the fathers of the game, but in the World Cup our record was poor. The press at the time were generally against Alf Ramsey and the way England played, the criticism was severe. A few of us, including Brian James, Clive Toye and myself who had covered England regularly, believed, like Alf, that England could win. The best team entertainment-wise in 66 were probably Hungary, but they didn’t have a top-class goalkeeper. England were efficient, made few mistakes and for us to win was historic.

The one moment in football you would put on a DVD?
Pele’s first goal in the 1958 World Cup final, Brazil 5 Sweden 2. He chested the ball down, flicked it over Sweden defender Gustavsson with his thigh and volleyed the dropping ball home.

Best stadium?
The Santiago Bernabeu. There is no stadium that is as theatrical. The Nou Camp is special, but it’s more of a bowl. The Bernabeu is an opera house, it rises straight up, tier after tier and everyone is relatively near to the field.

…and the worst?
Tirana, 1976. I was there for a World Cup qualifier between Albania and Northern Ireland. The facilities, the phones…it was like going back decades. Albania at that time was under the dictatorship of Enver Hoxha and was hardly into the 20th century.

Your personal new-tech disaster?
Almost daily.

Biggest mistake?
Believing newspaper proprietors.

Have you ever been mistaken for anyone else?
The pub bore (often).

Most media friendly manager?
Malcolm Allison.

Best ever player?
Alfredo di Stefano.

Best ever teams (club and international)?
Spurs 1961/62; Hungary 1952-1954.

Best pre-match grub?
Arsenal (today).

Best meal had on your travels?
Sabatini in Rome where I have been many times.

…and the worst?
In Kiev, when it was still part of the old Soviet Union, for an Under-23 match. It was two and a half hours before Alf Ramsey and I completed dinner. Most of the dishes on the menu were off – there was a six-page menu, but only three items were available.

Best hotel stayed in?
The Oriental in Bangkok. I was fortunate to be there for a couple of nights in transit on my way to China. It’s incredibly special.

…and the worst?
The Victoria in Wolverhampton, 1960. It was like a war-time barracks.

Do you have a hobby?
Off-shore sailing.

Favourite football writer?
Arthur Hopcraft.

Favourite radio/TV commentator?
Geoffrey Green/Alan Hansen (pundit). Geoffrey was the football correspondent of The Times, he appeared on Sports Report regularly and covered early European ties. Geoffrey had such perspective.

If you could introduce one change to improve PR between football clubs and football writers what would it be?
Apology for invented quotes.

One sporting event outside football you would love to experience?
The Cresta Run.

Favourite non-football sportsman/sports woman?
Barry John/Maria Bueno.

Last book read?
Iron Curtain: The Crushing Of Eastern Europe 1944-1953 by Anne Applebaum.

Favourite current TV programme?
University Challenge.

TV show you always switch off?
Kirsty Wark/Russell Brand.

If you could bring one TV series back which would it be?
Fawlty Towers.

Favourite comedian?
Woody Allen/Victoria Wood.

What really, really annoys you?
Almost all politicians.

Your most prized football memorabilia?
Correspondence with Stan Matthews.

Advice to anyone coming into the football media world?
Talk to, or listen to rational former players/managers such as George Cohen, Terry Venables, Gareth Southgate and Craig Brown.

A life member of the Football Writers’ Association, David Miller has been a journalist since leaving Cambridge University in 1956. The former chief sports correspondent of The Times, Miller has covered 14 World Cup finals. He is the author of biographies of Matt Busby, Stanley Matthews and Sebastian Coe and wrote the official history of the IOC.

SPURS WILL STRUGGLE TO REPLACE BALE’S GOALS AGAINST INJURY-HIT ARSENAL

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By CHRISTOPHER DAVIES

The first Barclays Premier League blockbuster of the season turned out to be the dampest of damp squibs as Manchester United and Chelsea played out a soul-less, goal-less and virtually entertainment-free stalemate at Old Trafford. A tactical masterclass it may have been, but there was little to raise the pulse. A misplaced pen has often been a talking point in big matches, on this occasion it was Jose Mourinho’s lost pen that provided some welcome light relief.

On Sunday, Arsenal meet Tottenham and the previous seven league games between the North London rivals have produced 34 goals, the last two at the Emirates ending 5-2 to the home team. “And Spurs went ahead in both of those games,” said self-confessed Arsenal supporter Matt Scott who covered his share of derbies for the Guardian.

The closure of the transfer window the following day will inevitably dominate much of the build-up to the game, with the Gareth Bale saga finally coming to a cliffhanger conclusion (a Spanish newspaper this week claimed the Balegate had been rumbling on for 87 days – and rising) while Gooners are hoping for a happier ending than in 2011 when, with the clock ticking, Arsenal signed Park Chu-Young and Andre Santos along with Per Mertesacker and Mikel Arteta.

Meetings between the clubs hardly need any extra spice, but the temperature was raised – and some – for the first derby of 2001/02 after Arsenal had signed Spurs captain Sol Campbell on a free transfer. “There has been an added edge to all the matches since then,” said Scott who writes a regular column for Inside World Football (www.insideworldfootball.com). “The first meeting post-Campbell [at White Hart Lane] had a Welcome To Hell Galatasaray-style atmosphere.

“This time I expect some Arsenal fans will wind up Spurs supporters about how Arsenal are likely to be the ones to fund the Bale transfer if players such as Mesut Ozil, Angel di Maria or even Karim Benzema move [from Real Madrid] to the Emirates. Who would have paid the £80 million then?”

Tongue out of cheek, Scott believes Spurs will find it difficult going on impossible to replace “their superstar, iconic, talismanic flyer who was pretty well at the heart of everything they did last season.”

Spurs have certainly been more prolific than Arsenal in the summer – like just about every club – with Paulinho (Corinthians £17m), Nacer Chadli (FC Twente £7m), Roberto Soldado (Valencia £26m), Etienne Capoue (Toulouse £9m) and Erik Lamela (Roma £25m) arriving at White Hart Lane. Ajax playmaker Christian Eriksen and Steaua Bucharest defender Vlad Chiriches are on the verge of making it what Spurs hope will be a magnificent seven to join the club this summer.

“Whether Spurs will be prolific in front of goal, I doubt,” said Scott, though Lamela, who scored 15 goals in 33 Serie A games last season, comes with a promising cv. “There is a real challenge for clubs that lose players like Bale who are capable of producing something out of nothing.  Arsenal have lived through this. When they lost Thierry Henry [to Barcelona in 2007] they turned to Emmanuel Adebayor [who scored 30 goals in 2007/08 and 16 the following season]. He had played with Henry and Arsene Wenger had someone capable of taking over that mantle, so they were able to absorb the loss of Henry from within.

“When Adebayor left for Manchester City, starting the exodus of Arsenal players to the north-west,  Robin van Persie stepped up [with 69 goals between 2009 and 2012]. I think it’s difficult for any team like Spurs, who have struggled with strikers for the past two seasons. You aren’t going to get 30 goals out of Jermain Defoe whose chance-conversion ratio is poor. Adebeyor has been off the boil in English football since he left Arsenal and with the possible exception of Lamela who has yet to prove himself in English football, and Soldado, Spurs don’t have it within their squad to replace Bale’s goals.

“It doesn’t surprise me that they have not scored from open play in the Barclays Premier League yet, winning both games 1-0 with Soldado penalties. They have had problems scoring, which they never did with Bale because they knew he would create a goal in every other game, at least, from nothing.

“I’d be very surprised if there were seven or even five goals in Sunday’s match. I think it will be a cagey game, mainly because Arsenal are lacking so many players through injury and have offloaded Marouane Chamakh, Gervinho and Andrei Arshavin.  Aaron Ramsey and Lukas Podolski  won’t play, there’s a doubt about Jack Wilshere. Arteta and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain are out for a while. In defence Thomas Vermaelen is injured and Laurent Koscielny is suspended. They will have a patched up team and if the squad wasn’t thin already, it certainly is now.

“Arsenal’s best form of defence has been attack and I suspect they will hold the ball, playing possession football,  happy to pass it around 20 yards from goal and will only really push on when they see a clear opportunity, which won’t happen very often.

“They have exposed themselves too much by over-committing and even with Gordon Banks in goal plus Franz Beckenbauer and Bobby Moore as central defenders, if you don’t get players back you’ll concede goals. Santi Cazorla, Theo Walcott, Olivier Giroud and whoever else is around them will pass the ball across the field all day long with no true penetration.

“In the same way that United and Chelsea were happy to play the game out as they did, I can see this being low scoring, too. If Spurs score early it would take the shackles off Arsenal, but if the score is 0-0 at half-time it will probably stay that way.”

CHELSEA HOPE WILLIAN FITS THE BILL

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Christopher Davies looks at work permit red tape and why moving to England helps Brazil internationals

WILLIAN HAS HIS WORK VISA HEARING ON WEDNESDAY…HE’LL OBVIOUSLY GET IT, WON’T HE?
In order to work in the UK, most citizens from outside Switzerland and the EU plus Norway, Iceland and Liechtenstein are required to meet a certain number of criteria. Footballers are no different from anyone else in this respect. To play in a league in the UK, ie the Barclays Premier League, the player must have participated in at least 75 per cent of his national team’s senior competitive internationals during the last two years. His national team must be in the top 70 of the FIFA rankings, which obviously Brazil are. The problem is Willian has won only two senior caps. Failure to meet these criteria results in automatic rejection…

SO WILLIAN WON’T BE GRANTED A WORK PERMIT, THEN?
There appears to be a UK Borders Agency rule that, like in the Army, covers the rules that aren’t in the rules. When Philippe Coutinho, also a Brazilian, signed for Liverpool last January from Inter-Milan, he was granted a work permit despite his lack of international experience. A sort of special case rule. Worst case scenario, if the work permit is refused it goes to appeal and it will be ratified by a panel comprising representatives of English footballers stakeholders and three independent representatives. Football writers David Lacey and Brian Glanville have been on these panels.

DO OTHER COUNTRIES HAVE THIS RED TAPE?
No, like driving on the wrong side of the road or, as Arsène Wenger would say, having milk in tea, it is essentially British. This makes it easier for other countries to sign promising young players, particularly from South America. FC Porto have made it almost an art form.

HAS ENGLISH FOOTBALL LOST ANYONE IN PARTICULAR BECAUSE OF ALL THIS?
Hugo Sánchez, Mexico’s greatest ever goalscorer, joined Atlético Madrid, Ronaldo signed for for PSV, Gabriel Batistuta went to Fiorentina and Javier Zanetti chose Inter Milan. So yes.

CHELSEA HAVE A SIMILAR PROBLEM WITH BERTRAND TRAORE, DON’T THEY?
Yes, Traore is a Burkina Faso international and is on trial with Chelsea. He is in the UK on a student visa – the midfielder turns 18 on the September 6. If he is granted a work permit the Blues will offer Traore professional forms. The good news is that Burkina Faso are in the top 50 of FIFA’s average ranking over the past two years. The bad news is that Traore has not been a regular international since 2011 – hardly surprising given his age. Traore will almost certainly not be given a work permit so it will be up to an appeals panel to decide whether he is a special case…that he can “enhance” English football. If he doesn’t, it is the safest of safe bets a club in a country with less rigid regulations will snap him up.

BACK TO WILLIAN, WHY DOES HE HAVE ONLY TWO BRAZIL CAPS? HE HAS ALWAYS IMPRESSED FOR SHAKHTAR DONETSK IN EUROPE.
His two caps in 2011 were when Mano Menezes was coach. Big Phil Scolari has overlooked the winger. There seems to be a almost a policy for the Seleção not to choose players playing in Eastern Europe, with the exception of Hulk. And his form with Zenit St Petersburg means he is struggling to maintain his place in the squad. Domestic football in Ukraine and Russia receives little coverage or publicity in Brazil, so it’s almost a question of out of sight, out of mind. It will be interesting to see what happens to Bernard, a rising star of Brazilian football and a supersub in the Confederations Cup, who recently left Atlético Mineiro for Shakhtar.

WHAT ABOUT FERNANDINHO WHO HAS JOINED MANCHESTER CITY?
Like Willian, Fernandinho – they were team-mates at Shakhtar – made his first international appearance in 2011 and has five caps, but has not played for the Selecão this year.

SO WILLIAN HOPES PLAYING IN THE BARCLAYS PREMIER LEAGUE WILL RAISE HIS PROFILE BACK HOME?
Yes. But in fairness Willian, Shakhtar were very successful during the four years he was with them. In his time in Ukraine, Shakhtar won three league titles, two Ukranian Cups, two Super Cups and the 2009 UEFA Cup.

WHILE THIS MAY NOT BE A VINTAGE BRAZIL SIDE, BIG PHIL IS NOT EXACTLY HARD UP FOR FORWARDS, IS HE?
No. He has called up 72 players in the past year and seems to favour those playing in Brazil. Nine of his 23-man squad for the Confederations Cup came from the Brazilian top flight — a remarkably high figure given how many Brazilians play in the top leagues in Europe. The extremely consistent Ramires of Chelsea was one who didn’t make the Confederations Cup squad.

But Scolari does have Neymar, Fred, who averages a goal every other game, Luís Fabiano, Leandro Damião, Sandro, Luis Gustavo, Diego Costa plus Hulk with Ronaldinho, Pato and Kaká waiting in the wings for a recall. Both Willian and Fernandinho face a battle to be part of the host’s squad for the 2014 World Cup.

TONY MILLARD – THE VOICE OF BRIGHTON

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Tony Millard, regarded by many as the Voice of Brighton & Hove Albion, was found dead at his home today. He was 74.

Few Seagulls fans can remember Brighton without the distinctive voice of Millard either commentating or bringing them highlights of Albion. Millard was the doyen of Sussex sports reporting, also covering speedway for Sky Sports, doing the in-stadium commentaries for the Eastbourne Eagles speedway team at Arlington while he was also co-founder of the Sussex Cricket League.

Millard covered Brighton’s last game at the Amex against Derby County and was due to attend tomorrow’s match against Burnley.

He was involved in just about everything Brighton-wise. In the days before the internet when fans would telephone football hotlines for information, Brighton supporters could hear Millard saying: “You’ve called the Seagull Line on Brighton 8049, that’s the number for Albion information every day…24 hours a day…”

As Brighton prepared to move to the Amex, in one commentary Millard said: “So, last season at Withdean, next season increasing the size of Falmer by the size of Withdean.”

Like many football reporters Millard was occasionally caught out by failing to press the mute button or being unaware he was, in fact, live. He would tell the story when, during one game, at the Goldstone Ground, he was the PA announcer and Andy Ritchie was slow to track back an opponent.

Unaware his comment was about to be heard by all in the stadium, Millard said: “F****** hell Andy…pull you finger out will you.”

Here is the commentary from 1983 by Tony Millard and Stephen Rooke for Radio Brighton to the video already on YouTube. Radio Brighton’s commentary was later released on a cassette called ‘Seagulls Soar Over Anfield’.

INSIDE THE SECRET WORLD OF DAVID MOYES

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By MICHAEL CALVIN

David Moyes is not a man to cross on a moment’s whim. He has a finely developed sense of respect. His trust, once earned, is of immeasurable importance. His work ethic is prodigious and his wrath is best avoided.

Had he walked into Finch Farm training complex that bleak Wednesday morning he would have been distinctly unimpressed. It was bad enough that a stranger should saunter through the heavy door marked ‘with permission only’, which led to a sequence of four offices which symbolised the continuity of Everton’s decade under the Scot’s control. To allow someone of my calling into the nerve centre of a club which continually overachieves in the face of financial restraint was positively heretical.

Moyes was on a scouting mission in Europe. Thankfully, given my vulnerability, Duncan Ferguson, who has previous in dealing with unwanted intruders, was unaware of my presence. He was flicking yellow-flighted darts into a royal blue board in the players’ dining room around the corner.

My guide, James Smith, Everton’s head of technical scouting who had worked for Moyes since 2003, was free to reveal the science behind the School of Science. Smith operates from the recruitment room. Its contents are highly classified and Moyes’ entire transfer strategy is mapped out on a succession of whiteboards which cover all four walls.

“We can’t afford to get it wrong,” said Smith. “If Manchester City waste £20 million, which they’ve actually done at times, it doesn’t really matter in the big scheme of things. So 20 on Jo, 20 on Roque Santa Cruz. No problem. But if Everton waste £20 million, we’ll wait a long time to get anything like that again. David Moyes spends the money like it’s his own.

“The first thing, of course, is that they’ve got to be good enough to play for a team that wants to be in the top half of the Barclays Premier League. So straight away you’ve ruled out most of the world’s footballers. We know that if they are potentially going to Manchester United, City, Arsenal or Chelsea then they’re not for us. We won’t worry about a David Silva and we dropped out of Gary Cahill quiet early because he was obviously going on to somewhere bigger.”

The secret room – I was sworn to secrecy as to any names – is a mine of information, a tantalising glimpse of what might be, expressed in marker pens of different hues. The first board features the most promising new foreign players, highlighted by the system. They are the pick of the 1,000 or so players under review and are deemed realistic recruits.

The next whiteboard contains live targets who are monitored constantly. Their ages are written in red, on a yellow square. Those names in blue are potential free transfers; those in red carry a price and those in green are potential loanees.

The next whiteboard is a statement of faith to those closest to him. It features favoured Barclays Premier League players, personal choices who are not on any other list. They must be 26 or under, playing for a club outside the top six and considered realistic potential recruits. They have been voted for by Moyes and his senior staff.

The next whiteboard is, in essence, a Moyes mind map and is why the secret room is off limits to players. The whiteboard contains a list of all first team squad players with their ages, contract details and appearance record. There is also Moyes’ idea of his best starting XI and what it will be up to 2014. This offers an insight into which regulars he suspects will fade away and who he hopes will emerge from the supporting cast.  It is an imprecise science because of the unpredictability of fate, but the gaps, when they appear, are ominous. This is a visual tool for the black art of management, moving a player on when his use has been exhausted, but his resale potential is still significant.

The next whiteboard is smaller and contains no players over 23. The most promising Championship, League One and Two players are highlighted in blue red and green respectively. The last major whiteboard , the transfer window list, is, in many ways, the most important and contains the names that Everton are actively seeking to sign.

Agents are regarded as most useful in South America where the web of third-party ownership can ensnare the unwise or the unwary. Work permits are a recurring problem and the case of James Rodriguez highlights the dangers, frustrations and potential rewards. A young winger regarded as the most naturally gifted Colombian players to emerge since Carlos Valderrama, he was on Everton’s radar, but dismissed because of the impossibility of securing a work permit due to his lack of international experience.

FC Porto, who operate in a more relaxed administrative environment, paid £4.25 million for a 70 per cent ownership package in July 2010 for Rodriguez who began his career with Banfield in Argentina. Rodriguez signed a four-year contract with a £25 million release clause and Porto quickly sold on 10 per cent of his economic rights.

In November of that year Porto sold another 35 per cent to a Luxembourg-registered company, Gol Football Luxembourg SARL for £2 million. When Rodriguez scored a hat-trick in the 2012 Portuguese Cup final, Porto bought the original 30 per cent of the player they did not own from Convergence Capital Partners B.V. for £1.90 million. That meant they now controlled more than half his economic rights. He signed a new five year contract with a release clause of £37.5 million. Nice work if you can get it.

The scorpion dance was completed in January 2013 when Gol Football Luxembourg SARL sold their 35 per cent back to Porto for £7.1 million, a profit of £5.1 million. In May 2013 AS Monaco paid £37.5 million for Rodriguez, no doubt giving him the “new challenge” he was looking for in the tax-free haven, if not with “another big club.”

*Adapted from The Nowhere Men – the unknown story of football’s true talent spotters – by Michael Calvin (Century, £14.99)

FWA Q&A: RICHARD TANNER

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RICHARD TANNER of the Daily Express on steamy windows…signing as a Gerry…and staying in a Munich broom cupboard

Have you ever worked in a profession other than football?
No. My only other jobs were back in my schooldays – strawberry picking, potato picking, loading fruit and veg lorries and working in a car parts warehouse. Gone downhill since really.

Most memorable match?
Of the matches I’ve covered, it has to be Manchester City’s last-gasp win over QPR in May 2012 – for the sheer drama of the occasion and the look of disbelieving wonder among the City supporters. As a fan, Coventry beating Tottenham in the 1987 FA Cup final.

The one moment in football you would put on a DVD?
Scoring at the Gwladys Street End at Goodison Park with a 30-yard chip over the goalkeeper in a media game, also involving Peter Beardsley, Mark Lawrensen, David Johnson and Alan Kennedy. Still can’t believe it.

Best stadium?
The Nou Camp.

…and the worst?
Wigan’s old Springfield Park. You couldn’t even see part of the pitch if you got the wrong seat in the press box. And if the windows steamed up you were really in trouble.

Your personal new-tech disaster?
In the biggest game of last season – Real Madrid v Manchester United, Champions League last 16, first leg in the Bernabeu. Lap top wouldn’t connect to wi-fi, dongle wouldn’t work either and I ended up dictating copy to a guy on the sports desk because we no longer have copy takers. There have been a few nightmares over the years – nearly all in Europe.

Biggest mistake?
Writing that Everton had made Teddy Sheringham their top transfer target on the day he joined Manchester United.

Have you ever been mistaken for anyone else?
Yes, Gerry Daly, the former Manchester United and Republic of Ireland player. A Cambridge United fan thought I was Gerry after a game at the old Abbey Stadium – well, I was quite skinny back then – and asked for my autograph. I duly obliged.

Most media friendly manager?
Two come to mind – Steve Bruce and Roberto Martinez.

Best ever player?
Pele.

Best ever teams (club and international)?
Everton’s 1984/85 Championship-winning team – shame they never had a chance to play in the European Cup because of Heysel – and Brazil’s 1970 World Cup winners..

Best pre-match grub?
Manchester City – since the Sheikh took over.

Best meal had on your travels?
Teppenyaki in the Prince Park Tower Hotel in Tokyo at the World Club Cup in 2009.

…and the worst?
Puffin on toast in the Faroe Islands.

Best hotel stayed in?
Trianon Palace at Versailles.

…and the worst?
A broom cupboard in a dodgy street near Munich station, can’t remember its name.

Do you have a hobby?
Cycling.

Favourite football writer?
Steven Howard. Always makes me laugh.

Favourite radio/TV commentator?
Clive Tyldesley.

If you could introduce one change to improve PR between football clubs and football writers what would it be?
More accessibility.

One sporting event outside football you would love to experience?
An Ashes Test at Lord’s.

Favourite non-football sportsman/sports woman?
Muhammed Ali/Steffi Graf.

Last book read?
David Walsh’s “Seven Deadly Sins.”

Favourite current TV programme?
The Americans.

TV show you always switch off?
Any ‘reality’ show – Big Brother particularly.

If you could bring one TV series back which would it be?
24

Favourite comedian?
Peter Kay.

Favourite singer/group?
Bruce Springsteen.

What really, really annoys you?
Motorway lanes that are coned off for no apparent reason.

Your most prized football memorabilia?
None really. Just 25 years of football programmes gathering dust in the shed.

Advice to anyone coming into the football media world?
Don’t. Seriously, stay light on your feet, develop a thick skin and have a sense of humour.

FWA Interview: Patrick Collins

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Patrick Collins thinks the game is better than ever but…

SUMMER OF TRANSFER SAGAS LEAVES PEOPLE DISILLUSIONED

By CHRISTOPHER DAVIES

In Patrick Collins’ ideal summer his beloved Charlton Athletic would have signed Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, Andres Iniesta, perhaps Bastien Schweinsteiger, Andrea Pirlo and Robert Lewandowski. With that front six Chris Powell’s defence could stay intact.

Sadly for the Mail On Sunday’s award-winning sports columnist, other non-transfer activity has made tedious inroads into a glorious summer of British sport, which started with Justin Rose winning the US Open, the British and Irish Lions’ success in Australia, Andy Murray’s historic Wimbledon triumph, retaining the Ashes and more recently Mo Farah and Christine Ohuruogu at the World Championships. Our Paralympians also gave us a reminder of London 2012.

Cesc Fabregas to  – or rather, not to – Manchester United has been put to bed, but the Mousetrap-proportion sagas involving Luis Suarez, Wayne Rooney and Gareth Bale show little sign of slowing down. For many, September 2 cannot come soon – or, as the tabloids would say, Roon – enough.

“The game is better now than it has ever been,” said Collins. “I’ve never seen it played as well as this in more than 40 years. Not with such pace and technique. And yet I think people have never been so disillusioned. If there is a gap between players and the media, the gap between players and the public is even larger.

“Newspapers over-estimate the public’s appetite for such transfer stories. I could not even begin to guess how many Rooney stories I’ve seen, yet he’s either going to go or he isn’t. It’s like the Kennedy assassination, everyone has a theory. It’s been a fantastic summer of sport, but instead of being quietly ignored until it all starts again football’s given us these will-he, won’t-he sagas.”

Of course, it could be that Suarez, Rooney and Bale will remain with Liverpool, Manchester United and Tottenham. “If that happens it makes even more of a nonsense what’s been going on. I think it’s had an alienating factor. It’s partly the media’s fault, clearly.”

If a newspaper is fed a story about a big name it is hardly likely to not use it on grounds of boredom. “Agents engineer stories to the extent they are controlling the media which is not healthy,” said Collins.

The Barclays Premier League kicks-off this weekend, but Collins has not been counting the days, largely because the beautiful game is so over-hyped. He said: “I don’t start looking forward to the season until it starts. Everything is overblown. Sky Sports’ coverage is wonderful, but the trumpeting of games means there is absolutely no sense of proportion. Everything is better, bigger and louder. That’s how the game is now. It’s divorced from any kind of reality.”

Collins is one of the minority of FWA members who reported on United pre-Alex (as he was then) Ferguson. For the first time since November 1986, the Champions have a new manager in David Moyes and while many football writers have been the recipient of the famous hairdryer, Ferguson gave us some of the finest sides of all-time to watch and report.

“For what he did, he was a genius, an extraordinarily talented man. I loved watching his teams. There would be a tight game, United would score a late goal and you’d see him on the touchline waving them forward. United always went for it.

“People have drawn comparisons between Ferguson and Jose Mourinho, but Mourinho would always opt for a ‘protect what you have’ with little sense of duty to entertain. Ferguson wanted his team to go forward, not in a naive manner, but he felt the best way to defend a 1-0 lead was to score a second goal.”

The self-styled Special One is back at Chelsea, a move which has not seen Collins putting out the bunting. He said: “Am I glad he’s returned? Not at all. He’s a major part of the over-hyping and personalising of the game. Towards the end of last season when it looked like he was coming back, someone on Sky Sports said he couldn’t wait for next season to see Mourinho versus someone or other on the touchline.

“Nobody I know pays money to see managers on the touchline. It seems bizarre he can dominate the attention in this way. There were a couple of times at Real Madrid when he left the team-talk at half-time to sit in the dug-out. It was like ‘look at me.’”

While club rivalries will be renewed in the Barclays Premier League, a cloud remains over the national team with England’s qualification for Brazil 2014 in the balance. If England win their remaining four ties they will qualify. Beating Moldova at home should present few problems, but Ukraine in Kyiv and the visits of Montenegro and Poland to Wembley for a team who have only beaten San Marino and Moldova to date seems to guarantee a photo-finish for England.

Collins said: “For obvious reason I’d love to see England qualify, as much as anything for Roy Hodgson who is a decent man and a talented man. While media-friendly, he is not self-promoting in the way that Mourinho is and I don’t think he’s given the credit he deserves. I can see us being in the playoffs and then, of course, it depends who you play.”

Fabio Capello’s Russia would be the most newsworthy clash, though there is a Sod’s Law feeling about such a draw. Other playoff opponents could be France or even World Champions Spain – “you wouldn’t want that” – Croatia, Austria or Sweden, Greece, a rejuvenated Hungary or Romania, Bulgaria or the Czech Republic. The best hope would be the runners-up from Group E, probably Albania, Iceland or Norway, but then we thought Algeria would be a pushover in South Africa.

“The reaction if England didn’t qualify would be interesting. There is a complete dominance of the clubs in English football and they admit no responsibility or obligation to the national team. Given the quality of the Premier League we ought to be qualifying, but then the quality is due to the number of foreign players.”

Domestically, it will be the usual suspects battling it out for the title – “a consequence of how the Premier League is structured,” said Collins. “The only way to break into this exclusive club is to find an owner like Manchester City did in the Middle East. Otherwise it is almost impossible to join the elite.”

When Blackburn, bankrolled by Jack Warner, won the Premier League they were not up against the riches of City or Chelsea while the days of Derby, Nottingham Forest, Ipswich or Queens Park Rangers making a significant impact in the top league have all but gone.

“I used to love looking at the old First Division pre-season and thinking to myself if this team continue their progress or that side sign so-and-so they have a chance. When you think of what [Brian] Clough did, or Bobby [Robson] at Ipswich or Dave Sexton’s very good QPR…that’s not possible any longer, which is a pity. There is a danger of people becoming disaffected by the same-old, same-old.

“I’d love someone to break into that magic circle and the fact there are four, maybe five clubs who can be champions is not good for the wider health of the game. It’s still a marvellous sport though it doesn’t always show itself in the best light.”

As 2013/14 gets up and running Collins hopes young players who the press have been praising for the past couple of years reach the next level. When John Barnes retired we were still writing about his potential and Collins said: “The likes of Jack Wilshere, Tom Cleverley and Phil Jones…I hope they become the players we’ve been hoping they do.

“We hear what Wilshere is capable of and I’d really like to see him deliver. We’ve been patient with a lot of them so let’s hope this is the season.”

FWA Q&A: NICK SZCZEPANIK

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NICK SZCZEPANIK on a wee problem at Portsmouth…a chilly Big Apple reception for mustard…and feeling dicky in Bucharest

Have you ever worked in a profession other than football?
Quite a few, most recently arts publicity. Best football-related memory of that is spending a day while a Brighton Festival press officer with the late, great Brian Glover, Mr Sugden from Kes. And a Barnsley fan.

Most memorable match?
On TV, Arsenal’s 2-0 win at Anfield to take the title in 1989. As a fan, Brighton’s 7-0 win against Walsall in October 1976, all the goals coming in the second-half, four from Peter Ward and three from Ian Mellor after Walsall had been the better side in the first 45 minutes. As a writer, either Wimbledon coming back from 3-0 down to beat West Ham 4-3 at Upton Park, or a 4-4 draw between Charlton and West Ham at The Valley. When I started the intro to the runner, it was 3-2.

The one moment in football you would put on a DVD?
It’s already on loads of DVDs – Brazil’s fourth goal in the 1970 World Cup final. Clodoaldo, the midfield workhorse, decided it was time finally to show he could play a bit. He beat three Italians to begin the move, which took in Rivelino, Jairzinho and Pele before Carlos Alberto nearly broke the net. Most British right-backs would have hit it into row Z.

Best stadium?
Probably because I don’t get to them as often as some people based further north, I love going to Anfield, Goodison and St James’’ Park, great football grounds (not “stadiums”) in interesting cities. But the best is the Amex, not because it’’s beautiful and comfortable (which it is) or because I’m a Brighton fan (which I am) but because so many people fought so hard to make it happen. As Brighton’s Life President Dick Knight has said, it had a history before it was even built.

…and the worst?
Fratton Park on a hot day. People talk about the atmosphere, but the press box is uncomfortable and cramped and in some seats there are pillars blocking the view of both goals. The hot day thing is to do with its position vertically above the gents. That’s the sort of atmosphere you can do without.

Your personal new-tech disaster?
While working for The Times, my antiquated laptop failed completely – an experience that News International employees of the time probably understand all too well – during a Chelsea v Burnley League Cup tie at Stamford Bridge. The outsourced copy-takers were hopeless. I couldn’t even make the one I was speaking to understand my byline (which, to be fair, does present something of a challenge), let alone a Chelsea team full of other foreign names. And of course, Sod’s Law enured that the game was never going to end up as a straightforward 2-0 home win worth about 350 words. It went to extra-time, then penalties, Chelsea lost at home to a Championship side and Didier Drogba had something thrown at him and unwisely threw it back. So there’d be a back-page write-off as well as a page lead inside.

Fortunately, when I realised that I was up against it and called the desk, I’d heard the words : “Let me put you on to Keith Pike.”” Many FWA members will know Keith and that there was no surer guarantee that all would be well. Between us we managed to produce a coherent report, a rewrite and a back-page lead on the missile-throwing incident.

Biggest mistake?
I repeated an allegation made previously by a colleague about a player without checking that he had his facts right. Fortunately the player settled for a retraction from the paper.

Have you ever been mistaken for anyone else?
Alan Pardew, in front of witnesses. The mistaken person was a rather attractive woman. I should have played along and seen what developed, but with my luck she’’d have turned out to be a disgruntled West Ham fan ….

Most media friendly manager?
In common with many colleagues, I like Arsene Wenger. He has the gift of making you feel that he’s talking to you personally in a room full of other journos. And having Gus Poyet working just up the road for three and a half years meant that there was often a story to be had even in a quiet week.

Best ever player?
Brian Horton. Peter Ward got all the glory in Alan Mullery’s 1977-81 Brighton team, but Horton was the main man – a tough, skilful leader. Close seconds would be Marcel Desailly and Normen Hunter (see below).

Best ever teams (club and international)?
My mother was from Leeds, so whenever we visited, my cousins took me along to Elland Road to see the Revie team of Giles, Gray, Hunter, Lorimer at al. People remember the ‘dirty Leeds’ tag, but some of the football was sublime, and Eddie Gray was an artist. The goal he scored against Burnley in 1970 when he dribbled past four or five defenders (maybe he went past one of them twice) is justly famous but see if you can find a clip showing his other goal in the same game.

Internationally, Poland 1974 -– lucky to eliminate England at Wembley the previous year, but Lato, Deyna, Gadocha and company made the most of it in the World Cup finals in West Germany and should have gone all the way.

Best pre-match grub?
Chelsea have raised their game, but Arsenal still shade it for me in the south and Man City in the north. And Tottenham are improving.

Best meal had on your travels?
With most meals, it’s the company that makes it, and any bunch of football writers round a table usually results in a good occasion. Great food is a bonus. But I remember a Sky/NFL trip that took in Peter Luger’s Steak House in Brooklyn where the food is so good that a request for mustard (not by me, I hasten to add) was rightly regarded as an insult.

…and the worst?
A lot of us went out in Bucharest one night and found a restaurant down a side street serving traditional Romanian food. We were persuaded to have the platter of local delicacies. There was one dish that nobody liked and when we asked the waiter what it was, he conveyed through the medium of mime that it was the reproductive organs of a sheep.

Best hotel stayed in?
The Intercontinental in Istanbul when I was on a Champions League trip with Rangers. Because I flew direct from London rather than joining the official trip from Glasgow, I arrived late and all they had left was a suite with incredible views over the Bosphorus. And meals at their award-winning rooftop restaurant thrown in. Tragic.

…and the worst?
The EasyHotel at Harlington, near Heathrow and the QPR training ground. My room was a converted garage with no windows and a hospital-style bathroom attached. After that I even looked forward to spending eight hours in a cramped economy class seat.

Favourite football writer?
Where do you start? Paul Hayward makes it seem so effortless, Martin Samuel for his breadth of inspiration, Ian Herbert keeps getting better, and there are many, many others. But none has ever matched Dave Kidd’’s moment of genius when he wrote that a crowd “accused Robbie Savage of one-in-a-bed sex romps.”

Favourite radio/TV commentator?
I grew up listening to Brian Moore on The Big Match and I’m pleased to say that I got to interview him once for Total Football and he was exactly what you’d expect – a football enthusiast and one of the nicest blokes you could hope to meet. Of those still alive, Simon Brotherton did a fantastic job with the Polish names in the Euros. And in America, Jim Brockmire (look him up on YouTube) was unique – “Look how they massacred my boy …”

If you could introduce one change to improve PR between football clubs and football writers what would it be?
Send chief executives and press officers to the United States to see how clubs, coaches, players and journalists can work together. We’’re part of the machine that helps make football such a big part of the fabric of British life, we’re not the enemy. Well, most of us aren’’t.

One sporting event outside football you would love to experience?
I’’ve reported on Super Bowls and a World Series, so I think I’’m sorted, thanks.

Last book read?
The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith – none of this JK Rowling nonsense for me. Wait, what …? Seriously, I recently re-read the first few James Bond novels. Most of the films are nonsense, but Ian Fleming could write.

Favourite current TV programme?
The Americans, Dexter or Lilyhammer. I was disappointed that Lie To Me was cancelled after series three.

Advice to anyone coming into the football media world?
Never turn any work down, you never know where even the most unpromising assignment might lead. And never, ever throw a contact number away. Most importantly, keep in mind that the hard work you put in at the beginning may all be worth it one day. With luck, you’ll end up doing a job that most people would kill (or maim) for. Sitting through the worst goalless draw imaginable is better than the best 90 minutes of almost anyone else’’s working week. And you’ll meet some great people.

Nick Szczepanik covers matches for the Independent and the Independent On Sunday.